


Memes of Olympus

by cakeengland



Series: Memefics [1]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Multi, acknowledging the fact the graces and di angelos are royalty, monsters are dumber than usual, oh shit it gave birth to a plot, so they have phones. yay, some alterations to the canon lore here and there, they on a quest bitches, this is basically a lot of fuckery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-08-04 08:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 25,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16343669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cakeengland/pseuds/cakeengland
Summary: So, maybe this group chat wasn't the best idea.





	1. Will.exe Has Stopped Working

**Author's Note:**

> Percy: poseidon’s btich  
> Annabeth: Wise Bitch 2.0  
> Grover: Grover (´ ∀ ` *)  
> Nico: Moonlight  
> Will: Sunshine Boy!  
> Thalia: Artreemis  
> Leo: Leo Fuckin’ Valdez  
> Jason: Thalia Why  
> Zeus: Lightning Thot  
> Poseidon: Water Thot  
> Hades: Underworld Thot/Hades  
> Athena: Wise Bitch   
> Aphrodite: Goddess of Love  
> Artemis: Apollo Leave/Artemis  
> Apollo: No u/the literal fucking sun  
> Ares: (ง •̀_•́)

**poseidon’s btich** _has added_ **Wise Bitch 2.0, Grover (´ ∀ ` *), Moonlight, Sunshine Boy!, Artreemis, Leo Fuckin’ Valdez,** _and_ **Thalia Why** _to_ **water**.

  **Wise Bitch 2.0:** No.

  **Wise Bitch 2.0** _has changed_ **water** _to_ **Camp Half-Blood!**

  **poseidon’s btich:** :(

  **Moonlight** _has changed_ **Camp Half-Blood!** _to_ **Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits**

  **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Why do I even try?

  **Moonlight:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

  **poseidon’s btich:** you are doing the gods’ work nico

  **Water Thot:** Nobody here but me is a God, Percy.

  **poseidon’s btich:** shit what the hades hi dad

  **Moonlight:** dont summon him

  **Underworld Thot:** Too late.

  **Moonlight:** percy you had one job

  **Sunshine Boy!:** As long as we don’t summon my aunt, I’m doing just fine.

  **Artreemis:** excuse u ur aunt is a lovely person

  **Thalia Why:** You literally named yourself after her. You might be biased.

  **Artreemis:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ potato pototo tomato tomoto

  **Thalia Why:** Never say that again.

  **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** siblings scare me

  **Artreemis:** *dabs*

  **Sunshine Boy!:** Thalia, that’s a dead meme.

  **Artreemis:** is this the face of someone who cares

  **Artreemis** _has attached an image._

  **Water Thot:** …

  **poseidon’s btich:** oh what hi my dad’s still here

  **Water Thot:** Technically, I’m always here.

  **poseidon’s btich:** well that’s gonna haunt for me for the next fifty-three years

  **Moonlight:** dad, if you’re still here, i’m bringing home mcdonalds

  **Underworld Thot:** Nico, I have never been more disappointed in you.

  **Moonlight:** thanks i know

  **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Anyways… Why do us Americans call Autumn “Fall?”

  **Moonlight:** do i look american to you

  **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Americans and Italians.

  **poseidon’s btich:** we call it fall because leaf fall down

  **Artreemis:** woosh

  **Wise Bitch:** … I told myself I wouldn’t text unless I needed to step in, but Percy, you’re hereby no longer allowed to date my daughter after that.

  **Artreemis:**

  **Artreemis:** annabeth wanna date me-

  **poseidon’s btich:** D:

  **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Mom, I’m 17. I can make my own decisions.

  **Moonlight:** you sound like an edgy 13 year old with your first boyfriend

  **Wise Bitch 2.0:** He _is_ my first boyfriend.

  **Artreemis:** but do u have any room to talk di angelo

  **Moonlight:** i’m 14, i shouldn’t be expected to have a boyfriend but _i do_

  **Underworld Thot:** I’m sorry, what?

  **Moonlight:** oh fuck i forgot my dad was here

  **Sunshine Boy!:** So on that note, anyone want snacks? I can go for a snack run.

  **Moonlight:** are you really just leaving me here to suffer

  **Sunshine Boy!:** I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  **Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’ll uh… I’ll take granola, Will.

  **Sunshine Boy!:** Any other orders?

  **poseidon’s btich:** water

  **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Goldfish Crackers.

  **Moonlight:** t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶o̶u̶l̶s̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶i̶n̶n̶o̶c̶e̶n̶t̶  a bagel

  **Water Thot:** …

  **Wise Bitch:** Poseidon, don’t you dare.

  **Water Thot:** Ambrosia.

  **Sunshine Boy!:** Wait, do I have to go to the 600th floor now?

  **poseidon’s btich:** yes

  **Moonlight:** yes

  **Artreemis:** yes

  **Water Thot:** Yes.

  **Sunshine Boy!:** Do any of the other Gods or Goddesses want anything?

  **Water Thot:** …

  **Water Thot:** I’ll go get a list.

  **Underworld Thot:** I’ll also take a bagel.

  **Moonlight:** i’ll take care of it, sunshine

  **Sunshine Boy!:** lidsghnljsgnshlkrh

  **poseidon’s btich:** and that’s how Will Solace got stuck getting snacks for the gods

  **the literal fucking sun:** HEY son can you bring me crackers

  **Artreemis:** ew

  **Sunshine Boy!:** Sure, dad.

  **Water Thot:** Athena asked for kale–

  **Wise Bitch:** Poseidon, I’m still in the chat.

  **poseidon’s btich:** this is so sad

  **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Please don’t.

  **poseidon’s btich:** apollo play despacito.

  **the literal fucking sun:** you’ve got it

  **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Percy, I’m going back to my cabin.

  **the literal fucking sun:** bold of you to assume it’s not also playing in olympus

  **Wise Bitch:** …

  **Moonlight:** … hey dad i hope you don’t mind some new souls because _someone_ *looks at percy* is gonna die tonight

  **Sunshine Boy!:** Nico, do not.

  **Moonlight:** you arent my mom

  **Sunshine Boy!:** No, but I am your doctor.

  **Underworld Thot:** What?

  **Sunshine Boy!:** SO LORD POSEIDON WHAT WERE THE OTHER GODS WANTING AGAIN

  **Water Thot:** Cookies, kale, and macaroni, we’ll see you in a bit.

  **poseidon’s btich:** do we just keep forgetting our parents… somehow joined the chat

  **Wise Bitch:** We’re gods. _This_ is what surprises you?

  **poseidon’s btich:** you right

  **poseidon’s btich:** anyways thank you hestia for being the only god who hasn’t fucked me over

  **Hestia:** You’re welcome.

  **poseidon’s btich:** oh hi hestia

  **Water Thot:** Nope, she’s already gone.

  **Water Thot:** Wait a moment.

  **poseidon’s btich:** dad, you fucked me over, don’t even try and deny it

  **Water Thot:** …

  **Water Thot:** You’re lucky I love you but also… you’re right.

  **Artreemis:** i guess annabeth’s finally rubbing off on him

  **Artreemis:** it only took five years but details

  **poseidon’s btich:** ow

 


	2. The Meme Three

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits**

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Good morning, Campers! Will, how’d that snack run go?

**Sunshine Boy!:** I’m tired.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** wait i missed snack run

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** What did I miss yesterday?

**poseidon’s btich:** you missed my dad being a meme, will almost exposing himself as nico’s bf, will also having to bring the gods snacks, and thalia being a lesbian

**Artreemis:** i mean you aren’t wrong but when did i

**Artreemis:** oh yeah

**Artreemis:** nvm

**Artreemis:** here to steal yo girl percy

**Sunshine Boy!:** Wait, our parents aren’t still here, right?

**poseidon’s btich:** probably not

_ Three minutes later… _

**poseidon’s btich:** judging by the lovely melodies of the crickets i think ur good

**Sunshine Boy!:** Okay, well in that case… Good morning, I love my boyfriend, Nico di Angelo.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Good morning, I love my boyfriend, Perseus Jackson.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** ew pda

**Moonlight:** ew pda

**Sunshine Boy!:** :( Nico!

**the literal fucking sun:** you made the sunshine boy cry

**Sunshine Boy!:** I’m not crying, dad.

**the literal fucking sun:** i’m in a meeting and i just looked at zeus like i was on the office.

**Sunshine Boy!:** That’s nice, dad.

**Lightning Thot:** Apollo, focus on the meeting. You can deal with this later.

**the literal fucking sun:** i made the big guy angry, gotta yeet

**Sunshine Boy!:** I love my dad but also… why is he like this.

**Moonlight:** at least your dad doesn’t make death jokes

**poseidon’s btich:** mine does

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** My mom lectures me on shit I didn’t even know I could be lectured on.

**Artreemis:** my father

**Artreemis:** he uh

**Artreemis:** hey Jason what does our dad do I don’t talk to him

**Thalia Why:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** my dad’s dead

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** great addition

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** my dad indirectly killed nico’s sister

**Artreemis:** if you havent shittalked your godly parent yet do so now or be forever shunned

**Moonlight:** my dad let bianca die

**Sunshine Boy!:** Nico, you already smack-talked your dad.

**Moonlight:** she got brought up, i had to

**Artreemis:** ok so i think everyone’s participated in the ritual which is good bc it means i dont have to lethally shock and or feed anybody to the cleaning harpies

**poseidon’s btich:** please no more harpies i’ve had enough trouble with them

**Grover  (´ ∀ ` *):** don’t sneak out of camp

**Grover** **(´ ∀ ` *):** ...again

**poseidon’s btich:** one time was to save you, so checkmate

**Artreemis:** that’s the time i almost died again

**Artreemis:** hey new game: shittalking percy

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** He keeps almost getting everyone killed.

**poseidon’s btich:** annabeth :(

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Oh, remember, five years ago, when Clarisse tried to dunk him in the toilet?

**Moonlight:** no. i don’t remember. i wasn’t there.

**Moonlight:** also, he’s percy. enough said.

**poseidon’s btich:** didn’t you have a crush on me??

**Sunshine Boy!:** Yeah, but now he has a crush on me.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Because we’re dating.

**Moonlight:** bsdkjgbsfkjgnsklbfskjgbn

**Sunshine Boy!:** <3

**poseidon’s btich:** is gay culture just keyboard smashing

**Artreemis:** yeah

**Sunshine Boy!:** Yes.

**Moonlight:** yes.

**Artreemis:** abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

**Artreemis:** if u saw the alphabet ur straight

**Artreemis:** if u saw a keysmash ur gay

**poseidon’s btich:** guess im hetero

**Moonlight:** do you have anymore brilliant observations to make

**poseidon's btich:** no u

**Sunshine Boy!:** What the Hades did you just say about my boyfriend.

**Sunshine Boy!:** I may be all sunshine and rainbows 99% of the time but the other 1% I’m destroying people who smack-talk the most wonderful person in the world.

**Moonlight:** jsbsksbehsizbaelabsizsb im gay

**Artreemis:** nico.exe has stopped working

**Sunshine Boy!:** Oh no, does he need something or some _ one  _ to jumpstart his heart? ;)

**Moonlight:** i just fell off my bed

**Moonlight:** im actually like

**Moonlight:** wheezing on the floor i love my boyfriend

**Sunshine Boy!:** Do you need your doctor to come check you don’t have a concussion?

**Moonlight:** just come kiss me you coward

**Sunshine Boy!:** ;)

**Sunshine Boy!:** Hey, it's Austin, what the fuck just happened? Will dropped his phone and ran out of the cabin towards the Hades cabin.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Percy, why aren't you like that?

**poseidon's btich:** water is an infinitely deep and mysterious substance annabeth gosh leave me alone

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** …

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I love you, but what the Hades did you just  _ say _ ?

**poseidon’s btich:** truths that apollo himself is too cowardly to speak

**the literal fucking sun:** 1v1 me

**Thalia Why:** Uh… so anyways, Thalia, were those brownies in the fridge yours?

**Artreemis:** yeah

**Artreemis:** they'll kick in soon

**Thalia Why:** What do you mean they'll kick in soon?

**Thalia Why:** _ Thalia Grace _

**Artreemis:** thalia grace cannot come to her phone right now, please leave a message after the beep

**Artreemis:** beeeeeeeep

**Moonlight:** they aren't weed brownies

**Moonlight** : she's just cryptic, i helped her make them

**Artreemis:** why you gotta spoil my fun like that

**Moonlight:** ok bye my boyfriend is here

**Artreemis:** im still going to kick your ass later di angelo

**Moonlight:** :( Don't hurt my boyfriend.

**poseidon's btich:** hi will

**Moonlight:** Hello!

**Artreemis:** ill kick your ass too solace

**Artreemis:** ill kick anyones ass

**Artreemis:** hell ill kick my own ass

**Thalia Why:** Thalia, my username.

**Artreemis:** bc fuck you thats why

**Moonlight:** will and i are just gonna talk to you fuckers through my phone

**Moonlight:** Only somewhat, but you'll be able to tell who's who.

**poseidon’s btich:** the one who knows what grammar is is  _ definitely  _ nico am i right guys

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Yes, obviously.

**poseidon's btich:** you're right next to me :(

**Artreemis:** on the topic of obvious facts, poseidon is my dad

**Moonlight:** zeus is my dad

**Lightning Thot:** No, I am not.

**Artreemis:** now why you gotta be like that uncle zeus

**Lightning Thot:** Thalia, I'm grounding you.

**Artreemis:** *dabs* cant ground me when im a hunter of artemis and also a daughter of poseidon smh

**Artemis:** … I'm going to pretend like I'm not here now.

**Water Thot:** Wow, I love my daughter, Thalia Grace.

**Lightning Thot:** Poseidon.

**poseidon's btich** _has changed their display name to_ **hades btich**.

**hades btich:** guess im the son of hades now

**Thalia Why:** Thalia just fell out of her bed laughing, but I don’t think it’s for the reason you think.

**Moonlight:** me too

**Moonlight:** will just told me to stop laughing because im gonna fall again, but jokes on him, ive already fallen for him

**Moonlight:** i think he just started crying wait

**Sunshine Boy!:** Hey, what the  _ fuck  _ is going on

**Moonlight:** Austin, get off my phone.

**Sunshine Boy!:** No you.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Also don’t drop your phone you know what we’re like smh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Apollo just pulls out his phone out in the middle of a meeting; hold on my son is sAD” -Author Nico  
> "water" -Author Nico
> 
> \-----
> 
> "i kin as this chapter" -Author Solace


	3. Kayla, But Emo

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits**

**hades btich** _has changed their display name to_ **poseidon's btich**

**poseidon's btich:** annabeth stayed in my cabin last night

**poseidon's btich:** chiron came to get me and when he saw me and annabeth together in the same bed he just sorta

**poseidon's btich:** “oh, i always assumed you two were just close friends, not dating. carry on.”

**poseidon's btich:** and now i don't wanna go to breakfast

**Moonlight:** one of will's siblings came to get him because we passed out at some point and gods

**Moonlight:** “wait you're dating the son of death”

**Moonlight:** “yeah??”

**Moonlight:** “that's edgy”

**Moonlight:** so basically the whole apollo cabin knows we're dating

**Sunshine Boy!:** On the bright side, now I don't have to make excuses for going to Nico's cabin anymore.

**poseidon’s btich:** On the dark side, the whole Apollo cabin knows you’re dating.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Basically.

**the literal fucking sun:** and i also know you're dating

**Sunshine Boy!:** Hshsksbaksbjd

**Sunshine Boy!:** Hi Dad, how are you?

**poseidon’s btich:** smh as long as hades doesn’t know you two are fiiiiiine

**Artreemis:** percy i hate to break this to you but he knows nico has a bf

**poseidon’s btich:** yeah i mean like as long as he doesn’t know will’s identity

**the literal fucking sun:** he knows, but he's letting nico live his life because he's not a dick

**poseidon’s btich:** well thats surprising since he seems to love fucking my life over

**the literal fucking sun:** let me rephrase

**the literal fucking sun:** he's not a dick to his son

**poseidon’s btich:** hasnt he lied to nico’s face

**poseidon’s btich:** or are we just not talking about that

**Moonlight:** we aren't talking about it

**poseidon’s btich:** yknow thats fair

**Moonlight:** so anyways

**Moonlight:** im not really one for pda but like

**Moonlight:** will looks _really_ pretty right now because the sun is just. shining on him in a certain way and im crying

**Sunshine Boy!:**...I was going to say something witty, but for once my brain has failed me.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** You two are adorable.

**poseidon's btich:** hey annabeth

**poseidon's btich:** you're the most gorgeous girl i know goodnight

**Artreemis:** you know me

**Artreemis:** jk

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** It's eight am, Percy. Don't do this, my brain _will_ short circuit.

**Wise Bitch:** It will not, Annabeth. You're fine.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I keep forgetting they can do that.

**Artreemis:** now if only uncle zeus had the capacity to comprehend jokes

**Thalia Why:** Thalia–

**Artreemis:** _i will take that joke to my grave jason he sucks anyway give me fucking poseidon_

**Artreemis:** poseidon adopt me challenge

**Water Thot:** Adopted.

**Lightning Thot:** Poseidon.

**Artreemis:** sweet can i breathe underwater now

**Water Thot:** Zeus is actually gonna hit me if I say yes, so no.

**Artreemis:** :(  
  
**Artreemis:** DM me

 

**Water Thot >> Artreemis**

**Water Thot:** I’m doing it.

**Artreemis:** :D

 

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits**

**Moonlight:** anyways.

**Moonlight:** i’m exhausted, someone yell at me and will not to stay up super late

**Artreemis:** what were you even doing? :eyes:

**Moonlight:** reading.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Y’all are _nasty_.

**poseidon’s btich:** what were you reading

**poseidon’s btich:** medical books?

**Sunshine Boy!:** Narnia, actually.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Also, Nico, it happened again.

**Moonlight:** are you fucking serious? has austin finally gone emo or is it kayla?

**Sunshine Boy!:** Kayla.

**Moonlight:** Zeus damn it.

**poseidon’s btich:**??? also wth did nico just use grammar

**Moonlight:** Every so often, an Apollo kid goes through an emo phase. Then I’m stuck with them until it’s over because Apollo doesn’t want to deal with it.

**Sunshine Boy!:** I just caught her putting on black and gold eyeliner, please send help.

**Sunshine Boy!:** It looks atrocious and I’m about to have a breakdown.

**Moonlight:** Send her over. I’ll deal with it, hopefully it won’t be as long as yours.

**poseidon’s btich:** will fucking solace had an emo phase??

**Moonlight:** it was terrifying

**Moonlight:** he looked good in black, but i also hated it

**Moonlight:** WAIT I HAVE PHOTOS

**Moonlight** _has attached an image_.

**Sunshine Boy!:** I told you to delete those. :(

**Thalia Why:** Thalia just fell onto the floor wheezing and I think she might have a concussion.

**Artreemis:** im fiiiiine but holy shit

**Thalia Why:**

**Thalia Why:** No, I’m fairly sure you have a concussion- IS THAT BLOOD?!

**Thalia Why:** AFK

**Sunshine Boy!:** I- Thalia, Jason, infirmary.

  **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** hey uh,,, i just passed the apollo cabin what the fuck is happening

**poseidon’s btich:** kayla’s going through an emo phase

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** oh _gods_ , please no

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** i had georgina in my cabin when she went through hers

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** because the hades cabin wasn’t around

**Artreemis:** PREss f to pay respects

**Sunshine Boy!:** Thalia, for the love of the gods, stop using your phone.

**poseidon’s btich:** f

**Artreemis:** also i dont love any of the gods except for my dad poseidon and my aunt artemis

**poseidon’s btich:** that implies poseidon and apollo are a gay couple

**Moonlight:** yo, sun man

**Moonlight:** yall gay or what

**the literal fucking sun:**

**the literal fucking sun:** well now that we’re mentioning it

**the literal fucking sun:** i’m bi

**the literal fucking sun:** the wedding’s next month

**the literal fucking sun:** will be my best man

**Moonlight:** wait that’s valid

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** So that’s what my mother was hinting at last week.

**the literal fucking sun:**?????

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** She just kept saying “the sun is gay.” and we all got confused.

**Water Thot:** Percy.

**poseidon’s btich:** huh what hi dad

**Water Thot:** I… require a best man.

**Lightning Thot:** I genuinely thought you two were joking, my apol(l)ogies.

**the literal fucking sun:**

**the literal fucking sun:** *gasps* h e k n o w s w h a t a j o k e i s

**the literal fucking sun:** oh yeah

**Apollo Leave:** Stop.

**No u:** all huntresses of artemis are lesbians because my sister is in fact, a lesbian

**Moonlight:** … THAT EXPLAINS SO FUCKING MUCH

**Moonlight:** i knew zoë and bianca had a thing

**Moonlight:** or bianca was just constantly staring at zoë’s ass idk

**Underworld Thot:** I heard a very loud “are you fucking serious?!” from the depths of Hell.

**Moonlight:** mwah love u too sis

**Dead inside:** Why are you all like this?

**Moonlight:** gods me @ myself

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** … Wait, nobody changed their display name to that. Who in the Hades are you?

**Dead inside:** Adriana Forlenza, the new Apollo camper, great to meet you.

**Moonlight:** that’s an italian last name, n i c e.

**Moonlight:** checkmate, fuckers, i told you i wouldn’t be the only italian here.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Oh, shoot, I forgot to introduce her, I’m sorry. Yeah, she’s my sister, that’s mainly why I’ve been out all morning, Chiron asked me to show her around.

**Artreemis:** wait fuck _she’s_ the one you were with

**Artreemis:** brb i’m actually crying gay tears

**Sunshine Boy!:** Thalia, hold still!

**Thalia Why:** Will and I have been trying to confiscate her phone for the past twenty minutes.

**Thalia Why:** Like, she’s fine, Will healed her, but we still need her to be off her phone for a few minutes.

**Artreemis:** haha you’re not getting my phone fuckers

**the literal fucking sun:** i already healed the concussion, just let her chill out

**Artreemis:** hey hey hey percy

**Artreemis:** bet i can hold my breath longer than you

**poseidon’s btich:** let’s go right now

**Artreemis:** bye

**Thalia Why:** Annnnnd she’s gone. She may be healed but I think Will’s about to have a breakdown anyway.

**Moonlight:** i think the fuck not

 

**Moonlight >> Sunshine Boy!**

**Moonlight:** sunshine, baby, what’s going on?

**Sunshine Boy!:** I’m fine, some people just seemed determined to die a premature death.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Like, sure, she’s healed, but she’s still not meant to be having a competition with the _son of Poseidon_ over _who can hold their breath longer_ three minutes later.

**Moonlight:** she’ll be fine, sunshine, if anything happened, zeus would turn her back into the tree

**Moonlight:** everything will be okay, just take some deep breaths.

**Sunshine Boy!:**

**Sunshine Boy!:** You realize you just implied Thalia’s immortal, right? Since she’s a Huntress of Artemis and can’t die from natural causes.

**Moonlight:** i don’t think my dad would _let_ her die, so she basically is

**Moonlight:** like, she comes into hell? my dad yeets her back up

**Artemis:** Yeah, I’m not letting her die either.

**Sunshine Boy!:**

**Sunshine Boy!:**

**Sunshine Boy!:** I am making a lot of confused gestures that you can’t see.

**Artemis:** Oh no, I see them.

**Moonlight:** this is a direct message??

**Artemis:** I’m a goddess. Now, I’ll be going.

**Moonlight:**

**Moonlight:** … anyways, will, babe, do you wanna just come over and read after you finish in the infirmary?

**Sunshine Boy!:** Yes, but Kayla’s there.

**Sunshine Boy!:** By the way, I think you need to stop by the infirmary yourself to get a check-up.

**Moonlight:** why? i just had one two weeks ago

**Sunshine Boy!:** Yeah, but I’m concerned you might be suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me. ;)

**Moonlight:**...ill be there in two minutes

 

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits**

**Moonlight:** what the fuck just happened -kayla

**Moonlight:** nico threw his phone on his bed and ran to the infirmary -kayla

**Dead inside:** Aren’t he and Will dating?

**poseidon’s btich:** will probably said some stupid pick up line or flirt in dm and nico yeeted his phone and ran

**Moonlight:** im gonna look through his playlists

**Moonlight:** there’s only my chemical romance, fall out boy, and a playlist that has songs from will

**Artreemis:** fall out boy is good you guys are just mean

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Wait. Have you and Percy been texting from the bottom of the lake?

**Artreemis:** yea 

**poseidon’s btich:** we’ve been doing this for like five minutes how has she not drowned yet

**Water Thot:** Listen, Zeus _let_ me give her water breathing.

**poseidon’s btich:** :( she’s already the child of one of the Big Three, let me be special with my ~water~

**Moonlight:** hades should adopt thalia -kayla

**Moonlight:** itd be perfect

**Sunshine Boy!:** kayla get off my phone

**Moonlight:** get off of my brother

**poseidon’s btich:** wait what are they doing in the infirmary?!

**Dead inside:** Nothing, Kayla’s just a meme.

**poseidon’s btich:** oh ok

**Dead inside:** I think.

**Moonlight:** i think they’re like

**Moonlight:** actually doing something in there i

**Sunshine Boy!:** Kayla, don’t call my phone.

**Moonlight:** WELL NOW THAT YOU’VE SAID THAT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WILLIAM SOLACE, NOT CALL YOUR PHONE???

**Sunshine Boy!:** 1) i’m taking the makeup you brought to my cabin

**Sunshine Boy!:** 2) i’m _fourteen_ , will and i aren’t doing anything like _that_ you insufferable invertebrate

**Moonlight:** bitch i have a spine

**poseidon’s btich:** i love how the argument of nico being fourteen got brought up

**poseidon’s btich:** but he’s gonna be fifteen in like 

**poseidon’s btich:** a month

**Moonlight:** well nico i hope you didn’t name will’s contact anything embarrassing

**Sunshine Boy!:** we’re not gonna do anything like that until i’m sixteen

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** … Percy and I said the same thing, but change sixteen to eighteen.

**poseidon’s btich:** except we’re seventeen so check fucking mate

**Thalia Why:** …

**Thalia Why:** Do I need to gather everyone in the Zeus cabin for a talk?

**poseidon’s btich:** poseidon kids are literally so good about safe sex please don’t

**Thalia Why:** If I don’t do it, Piper will, and you know how the Aphrodite cabin is about safe sex.

**Goddess of Love:** I will go down there myself and give you the talk.

**Sunshine Boy!:** …

**Sunshine Boy!:** We’ll take Jason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Aphrodite is my wholeass mom" -Author Nico  
> "Bet you can't chug two litres of orange juice" -Author Solace


	4. damn it, rachel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which y'all get a double update because authors were dumbasses and didn't realize emojis were breaking the chapter.

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits**

**Moonlight:** why did jason give us _the talk_ this morning

**poseidon’s btich:** did you _want_ it from piper and/or her mom

**Moonlight:** im gay, i don’t even really need the talk

**Goddess of Love:** We need to have a talk.

**Moonlight:** nno

**Moonlight:** aphrodite im gay p l e a s e

**Goddess of Love:** You still need to have safe sex!

**Moonlight:** i’m fourteen! i’m not fucking will for at least two more years!

**the literal fucking sun:** aphroditeeeee chilllll

**the literal fucking sun:** also did i ever tell y’all about the time my little sis was with a guy

**Artreemis:** im sorry _what_

**the literal fucking sun:** yeah, have y’all heard of orion

**poseidon’s btich:** he’s a son of poseidon you guys know that right

**Water Thot:** And I still don’t know how he got Artemis to fall in love with him.

**Artreemis:** im actually having a crisis rn what the fuck

**Apollo Leave:** Apollo, I am still beyond angry with you. Like, I get it, I’m a lesbian; you still didn’t need to trick me into fucking _killing_ him.

**Artreemis:** MOM WHY WERE YOU WITH A GUY

**Apollo Leave:** It was one time. He was a sweet guy.

**No u:** he was a dick

**Apollo Leave:** What if I was actually bi?!

**No u** : art, you _know_ you weren't bi

**Apollo Leave:** Apollo, my username.

**No u:** artemis, _my_ username.

**Apollo Leave:** I will physically fight you.

**No u:** shoot me u won't

**Apollo Leave:** Don’t tempt me.

**poseidon’s btich:** *slowly eating popcorn*

**Lightning Thot:** Apollo, Artemis, stop fighting or I'll cast you both down from Olympus.

**poseidon’s btich:** aw cmon that was better than any tv show

**Artreemis:** if mom gets cast down from olympus then does that mean i lead the huntresses

**No u:** if she does i get to fight her in mortal form

**Apollo Leave:** Ah, yes, you get to fight me as _Lester_.

**No u:** you take that back

**No u:** also its not like you’d have a better name _patricia_

**Lightning Thot:** Actually, I was thinking Celeste.

**No u:** do you just hate me

**Lightning Thot:** Yes.

**No u:** im gonna curl up in my room and cry for the next seventy centuries bye

**Moonlight:** god me too

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** i would say “i can’t believe nico is an apollo kid” but his boyfriend actually IS an apollo kid so let’s not

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** incest is not wincest

**Dead inside:** ^^ What he said.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Hi, Adriana, how was your day?

**Dead inside:** It was good. I had archery.

**Artreemis:** HAVE YOU SEEN HER SHE HAS LIKE, THE ARCHERY SKILLS OF A HUNTRESS OF ARTEMIS AND AN APOLLO DAUGHTER COMBINED

**Artreemis:** I WAS CRYING GAY TEARS

**Artreemis:** ADRIANA I HAVE AN OFFER FOR YOU-

**Dead inside:** Uh, I think I’ll pass. Seems kind of deadly.

**Artreemis:** FUCK

**Sunshine Boy!:** I think she easily could have worked with Artemis at some point, but who knows? *shrugs*

**Dead inside:** I mean, I didn’t even know the Greek gods existed before I came to Camp Half-Blood, buuuut I’m sure Lady Artemis is a wonderful person!

**Artemis:**...I need to talk to Hades.

 

**Wise Bitch 2.0 >> Sunshine Boy!**

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** So about Adriana…

**Sunshine Boy!:** Don’t tell anyone, please.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Noted.

 

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits**

**poseidon’s btich:** so that was a clusterfuck

**poseidon’s btich:** apollo and artemis fighting should be a reality show, i’d watch it

**Water Thot:** I'll pitch the idea to Zeus.

**poseidon’s btich:** thanks dad i love you

 

**Artreemis** _has added_ **Wise Bitch 2.0, Grover (´ ∀ ` *), Moonlight, Sunshine Boy!, poseidon’s btich, Leo Fuckin’ Valdez,** _and_ **Thalia Why** _to_ **Hopeless Lesbian Crying**.

**Artreemis:** how do i ask adriana out ;-;

**Sunshine Boy!:** You just… Do?

**Artreemis:** But she’s like a _g o d d e s s_ Will I have to COURT her

**poseidon’s btich:** who the fuck even says that

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Most people would still use it in the presence of a God

**poseidon’s btich:** annabeth :(

**Thalia Why:** Uh, get her some flowers, I guess?

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** you’ve got it all wrong guys

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Oh, boy, here we go.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** thalia, become better friends with her first so she knows this isn’t just like… random ass attraction thing

**Artreemis:** how do i ask her on a friendship date

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** that’s called hanging out with someone

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** but just be yourself with her, chill out and maybe invite her to watch a movie with you some night.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** … I always asked how Leo got a girlfriend, but he’s actually spot on with this.

**poseidon’s btich:** i cant believe leo has relationship advice

**Artreemis:** k thnx ill do that bye

**Artreemis** _has left the conversation._

**poseidon’s btich:** did she really just do that

**Thalia Why** _has renamed the conversation to_ **Shit Talk Thalia Time.**

**poseidon’s btich:** i dont know if i fully expected that from you or didnt expect it at all

**Moonlight:** hold on, guys, go back to the main chat, important shit from rachel

 

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits**

**Dead inside:** Hello?

**poseidon’s btich:** hey

**Dead inside:** Oh, hi! Sorry, you just all disappeared for a bit.

**Moonlight:** yeah, sorry

**Moonlight:** anyways, we got a prophecy from rachel

**poseidon’s btich:** please tell me im not involved again

**Moonlight:** you’re our main guy. it’s you, me, will, adriana and thalia

**poseidon’s btich:** fuck

**Artreemis:** if i get turned into a tree again i’m gonna riot

**Moonlight:** god me

**Moonlight:** anyways, lemme type this shit out because i was the one who heard it

**Moonlight:** Five shall go west to find the lost Sun

**Sunshine Boy!:** My dad has dumb bitch disease.

**poseidon’s btich:** wasn’t he here this morning

**Sunshine Boy!:** Like I said, dumb bitch disease.

**Artreemis:** This sounds suspiciously like “Five shall go west to the goddess in chains.”

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** That’s fucking terrifying. If any of you get hurt in any way, I’m going to scream.

**Moonlight:** let me continue

**Moonlight:** In the land without rain find where a secret begun

**Moonlight:** Siblings of sun will discover the way

**Moonlight:** Children of land, sea and sky with blood pay,

**Moonlight:** Two in love shall pay a price,

**Moonlight:** And light and dark’s union make the ultimate sacrifice.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** well its not like that entire prophecy is oozing with ominous shit

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** have fun you guys

**Moonlight:** you know what’s terrifying?

**Moonlight:** light and dark, sacrifice

**Moonlight:** i’m scared it means will and i,, like

**Moonlight:** sacrifice usually means death, i’m darkness, he’s light

**Sunshine Boy!:** I’m sure we’ll be fine, Moonlight.

**Moonlight:** your boyfriend is having a panic attack, will, come help him -kayla

**Sunshine Boy!:** I’ll be right there.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’m somewhat irritated that I’m not on the quest (especially because my boyfriend got mentioned in that, and I’m terrified of what that part means) but good luck to all of you.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Percy, I’m staying over tonight, if that’s okay?

**poseidon’s btich:** sure thing annabae

****Wise Bitch 2.0:** ** Never call me that again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "*dabs* take your meds" -Author Nico  
> "emojis will ruin your life" -Author Solace


	5. Quest Time Bois

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hazelnut: Hazel  
> Piper Fuckin' McQueen: Piper  
> Kayla: Kayla  
> Austin: Austin  
> Water Legacy: Frank

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits**

**Underworld Thot:** Good morning, if any of you perish on the quest, I’m flicking you back to the overworld.

 **poseidon’s btich:** if only that made it less terrifying

 **poseidon’s btich** _has changed the conversation name to_ **Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits: Now With Mortal Danger!**

 **Thalia Why:** _What_?

 **Thalia Why:** I fall asleep accidentally and wake up to _this_.

 **Artreemis:** we finna go on a quest, i’m probably gonna be a tree again

**Thalia Why:**

**Thalia Why:** _What?_

 **Artreemis:** read the prophecy, nico sent it last night

_A couple minutes later..._

**Thalia Why:**

**Thalia Why:** Can I go instead?

 **Artreemis:** HISSSSSS

 **poseidon’s btich:** did thalia just deadass become a cat

 **Moonlight:** that’s such a mood

 **Dead inside:** Nico, are you feeling okay?

 **Moonlight:** yeah, will and i just talked everything through and then read some books until i fell asleep

 **Dead inside:** That’s good! I’m glad you have him.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Adriana.

 **Dead inside:** … I’ll see you guys when we head off.

 

**Sunshine Boy! >> Dead inside**

**Sunshine Boy!:** Bianca, have you been crying

 **Dead inside:** I don’t want to go back to the junkyard. It’s… It’s a long story. If we take any form of car there where you and I can be in one without the others, I’ll explain, okay

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Okay. Do you want me to stay with you for a little while?

 **Dead inside:** … Yes, please.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Just ask anytime you need it. You’re already my family, after all, in more ways than one. As Adriana, you’re my sister, and as Bianca, you’re, let’s face it, basically my sister-in-law. I’ll always be there for you.

 **Dead inside:** I’m really glad Nico fell for you. You’re a good match for him.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** I’m glad to have your approval. I’m not kidding when I say he’s the light of my life, and this is coming from a child of the sun.

 **Dead inside:** I think you’re the light of his, too. I’ve watched over Nico for a few years, and I’ve never seen him as happy as he is now until he met you.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Well, I’m glad I could be that for him. Nico deserves nothing but happiness.

 **Dead inside:** You better husband him up when you’re older.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** That’s the plan. He’s gonna look great in a suit.

 **Underworld Thot:** I was going to say you need my approval, but you got that long ago.

 **Dead inside:** It’s terrifying that you can do that.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Artemis did it to Nico and I a day or so ago.

 **Dead inside:** Oh no.

 

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits: Now With Mortal Danger!**

**poseidon’s btich:** okay, i’m grabbing the rest of the supplies we need

 **poseidon’s btich:** is everyone good to go?

 **poseidon’s btich:** i’ll take the fact that everyone is outside of my cabin as a yes

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Be safe, I’ll see you all when you get back.

 **poseidon’s btich:** ♡♡♡

 **poseidon’s btich:** fucK okay gotta go i love you bye

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** I love you too.

 **Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** I’m gone for four days and _this_ is what I come back to.

 **Thalia Why:** Same.

 **Thalia Why:** … So, idea. We make a new group chat because us alone will not keep a chat alive.

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** u right

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** i’ve gotchu, i’ve got ~contacts~

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez** _has added_ **Wise Bitch 2.0, Grover (´ ∀ ` *), Thalia Why, Hazelnut, Piper Fuckin’ McQueen, Kayla, Austin,** _and_ **Water Legacy** _to_ **New Chat Who Dis**

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** piiiipes, answer your phone don’t let me look like a whole loser

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** :( piper pls

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I’m here, I’m here, you’re not a loner anymore.

 **Kayla:** sweet i get to be part of the cool kids™ gang

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** oh yeah, the Gucci Gang (adriana, percy, nico, will and thalia) went on a quest so we have this now

 **Hazelnut:** Nico’s on a quest?

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Who the fuck is Adriana?

 **Kayla:** excuse u thats my wholeass sister

 **Austin:** And mine.

 **Thalia Why:** Yeah, Nico’s on a quest.

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** The prophecy specifically said everyone that went on the quest, it was… Something.

 **Water Legacy:** Would you be able to send it by chance?

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Yeah, one sec.

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** no no hold on i got this

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** five shall go west to find the lost Sun

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** in the land without rain find where a secret begun

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** siblings of sun will discover the way

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** children of land, sea, and sky with blood pay

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** two in love shall pay a price

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** and light and dark’s union make the ultimate sacrifice

 **Kayla:** oh fuck theyre all gonna die

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Kayla!

 **Kayla:** what its the truth

 **Thalia Why:** Anyways…

 **Thalia Why:** How’s everyone doing?

 

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits: Now With Mortal Danger!**

**poseidon’s btich:** we’re on a bus and i’m already bored

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Percy, how do you have signal?

 **poseidon’s btich:** magic

 **Moonlight:** we’re not in a rural area yet so we should have signal til we hit korea town, then you guys won’t see us til we’re out of state.

 **poseidon’s btich:** no nico shut up its magic

 **Dead inside:** I was going to be rude and say magic doesn’t exist but… Hecate.

 **poseidon’s btich:** HA checkmate

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Percy, leave Adriana alone challenge.

 **Artreemis:** y’all this is wild

 **Artreemis:** if you ignore the part where we’re probably all going to die it’s great fun

 **Underworld Thot:** I told you I wasn’t letting any of you die.

 **Artreemis:** does this mean i never have to be a tree ever again because that’s a great deal

 **Underworld Thot:** As long as your father doesn’t say otherwise, yes.

 **Artreemis:** poseidon i dont have to be a tree again right

 **Underworld Thot:** If your _uncle_ doesn’t say otherwise, yes.

 **Artreemis:** but youre my uncle and you said i didnt have to be a tree again so check and mate

 **Underworld Thot:** If Uncle _Zeus_ doesn’t say otherwise, _yes_.

**Artreemis:**

**Artreemis:** imma physically fight uncle zeus

 **poseidon’s btich:** dad, another tv show idea: thalia fights the gods

 **Water Thot:** Percy, focus on your quest.

 **poseidon’s btich:** thalia’s not focusing on the quest also! i’m on a bus!!

 **poseidon’s btich:** nico and will aren’t focused either! they’re being all romantic and shit, leave me alone >:(

 **Artreemis:** hey uncle zeus is such a debbie downer i bet he kidnapped uncle apollo just so we couldn’t text

 **Lightning Thot:** For the record, your father has been worried about Apollo since he went missing. -Hera

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Fuck off.

 **Wise Bitch:** Annabeth.

 **Artreemis:** awww poseidon you’re worried about uncle apollo that’s so _sweet_

 **Water Thot:** …

 **Water Thot:** We _are_ dating.

 **Artreemis:** :O so we’re rescuing my stepdad

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** aww that’s so sweet

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** wait when did the other chat get 100 notifs

 **Moonlight:** wait

 **Mooonlight:** what other chat?

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** uhhhh

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** gotta go i have laundry bye

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez** _has left the conversation._

 **Wise Bitch 2.0** _has added_ **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez** _to the conversation._

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** None of us are social enough to keep a chat going, so we made one with a few other campers, as well as Camp Jupiter campers.

 **poseidon’s btich:** *gasp* _betrayal_

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Nico, Hazel says hello.

 **Moonlight:** :D tell her i say hi back

 **Moonlight:** i mean. nothing.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Nico di-lete yourself-deprecative issues, being happy is fine.

 **poseidon’s btich:** nico is just staring at his phone

 **Dead inside:** Hello? Earth to Nico?

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Nico?

 **Sunshine Boy!:** He just pulled the strings on his hoodie and said he’s going to Sweater Town.

 **Dead inside:** Does this happen often?

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Yeah– wait, I think he just passed out.

 **poseidon’s btich:** hes out

 **Artreemis:** im following his example wake me up in 24 hours

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Thalia, that’s a coma.

 **Artreemis:** sounds festive

 **Artreemis:** ok gn

 **Dead inside:** It’s the middle of the morning.

 **Artreemis:** did i fucking stutter

 **Sunshine Boy!:** You’re still wide awake.

 **Artreemis:** zzzzzzzz

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** All of you better get some rest when it gets dark.

 **poseidon’s btich:** babe you know i dont sleep on quests

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Adriana and I will be out as soon as it’s dark, you know this.

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** you two are the only ones who sleep at camp

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Our dad’s the sun.

 **poseidon’s btich:** and the one we’re on this quest for

 **Sunshine Boy!:** You right.

 

**New Chat Who Dis**

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Leo, I see that you’re online, you missed like eight things.

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** sorryyy, quest bitches were online for a few

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Nico says hi back, Hazel.

 **Austin:** Any news?

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** not really, nico passed out on the bed but like me too

 **Kayla:** where the fuck did they get a bed

 **Kayla:** also i find it hard to believe that nothing happened with thals on the quest

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Bitchface showed up.

 **Thalia Why:** She means Hera. Hades and Poseidon showed up too.

 **Hazelnut:** I relate to Bitchface, honestly.

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** btw poseidon’s fucking apollo

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** T e a, spill it, bitch.

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** well first you gotta be aware that thalia is poseidon’s kid

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez** _has attached an image_.

 **Kayla:** i for one fully support our new overlord, thalia grace

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** GUYS I JUST HAD THE DUMBEST THOUGHT

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** All of your ideas are dumb, but continue. (I’m kidding ily)

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** shut the fuck up (ilyt)

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** ANYWAYS. If your leg gets cut off does it hurt

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** No shit.

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** but where you gonna feel the pain

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** In your le

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** …

 **Wise Bitch 2.0** _has added_ **Sunshine Boy!** _to the conversation_.

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Read what was previously said, I’m having a crisis.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Oh my gods. Okay, so.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** When you lose a limb, there will be exposed nerves at the point of the severing, and those nerves will be what receives the pain.

 **Austin:** You could have asked Kayla or I.

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** we talk to will more but we love u two

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I would have asked you two.

 **Kayla:** see, piper loves us

 **Kayla:** piper wanna go out with me

 **Kayla:** jk

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Let’s go.

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** we’re on a friend date why are you doing this to me

 **Kayla:** wait are you serious

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Like, yeah.

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** she’s bi didn’t y’all know this

 **Kayla:** i mean i knew but like

 **Kayla:** i asked piper mclean on a date and she said yes what the fuck im tearing up

 **Kayla:** my mascara is running

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Just realized we left her unsupervised in the Hades cabin.

 **Austin:** Piper, please go get her.

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** After Leo and I finish our face masks.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** I guess Piper is now the designated caretaker of emo Kayla.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** I’m going back to cuddling with my sleeping boyfriend now, bye.

 **Sunshine Boy!** _has left the conversation._

 

 **Artreemis** _has added_ **poseidon’s btich, Moonlight, Sunshine Boy!** _and_ **Dead inside** _to_ **Quest Bitches**.

 **Artreemis:** so will i saw you typing on your phone :eyes:

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Annabeth had a medical question.

 **Artreemis:** you had a smile on your face?

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Kayla got asked out, I was just happy for her.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Well, kind of.

 **poseidon’s btich:** how do you get kind of asked out

 **Artreemis:** just ask annabeth

**poseidon’s btich >> Wise Bitch 2.0**

**poseidon’s btich:** babe how do you get kind of asked out

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:**???

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** What?

 **poseidon’s btich:** thalia said to ask you

 **poseidon’s btich:** will said kayla got kind of asked out???

 **poseidon’s btich:** i am confused

 **poseidon’s btich:** annabeth explain

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Piper and Kayla are having a little date, I think? So, it’s a date but they didn’t say it was a date.

 **poseidon’s btich:** aww thats actually cute

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Right?

 

**Quest Bitches**

**Artreemis:** perseus jackson did u actually ask ur gf

 **poseidon’s btich:** nno

 **poseidon’s btich:** anyways uh. will whatcha listening to

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Just some music Nico put on my phone.

 **poseidon’s btich:** what, mcr?

 **Sunshine Boy!:** No, actually. It’s a band called Never Shout Never.  
**Artreemis:** im gonna listen to my green day bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be my bad boy be my man be my weekend lover but dont be my friend -author nico
> 
> \-----
> 
> the spider queens in don't starve are fucking terrifying -author solace


	6. gay tears

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits: Now With Mortal Danger!**

**Moonlight:** so i passed out yesterday, right?

**Moonlight:** i woke up and percy blew up (another) bus in baltimore

**Moonlight:** will had to heal thalia’s wounds

**Moonlight:** and then we were stranded for a bit, i fell back asleep because i had been fucking around with shadow traveling a bit

**Moonlight:** and then they went to a mcdonalds in north carolina with me still in the car

**Moonlight:** i want a refund on this quest

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Where did you get a car?

**Moonlight:** artemis yeeted one of apollo’s cars at us

**Moonlight:** i’m not sure how, but percy’s actually good at driving

**Sunshine Boy!:** We’re in Oklahoma City right now.

**Moonlight:** its been smooth since we left new york and its a little terrifying

**Moonlight:** but it’s fine i’m just gonna cuddle with will and pretend like everythings Fine

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** nico you should probably ask your dad for that refund

**Moonlight:** honestly i should

**Underworld Thot:** No refunds, sorry.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Nico’s pouting.

**Sunshine Boy!:** If you don’t mind a bit of PDA, he looks adorable.

**Artemis:** Sorry to cut the PDA short, but are you all doing alright?

**Dead inside:** Yes, Lady Artemis. None of us have gotten anything pointing to Apollo being in grave danger, nor the sun itself giving out too badly yet.

**Artemis:** That’s good… I’m worried about him, but I know you all will save him.  


**Artemis >> Dead inside**

**Artemis:** Bianca, while I feel a little ridiculous… would you mind listening to a goddess’s worries?

**Dead inside:** Of course, Lady Artemis.

**Artemis:** As expressed before, I know you all will save Apollo, but that doesn’t stop me from being more worried about him than I’d like to admit. We may argue and bicker all the time, but I do genuinely care about him.

**Dead inside:** That’s to be expected. Apollo is your brother, it’s natural to be worried and to care for him.

**Dead inside:** I should know… I’ve been nothing but worried about Nico this entire quest.

**Artreemis:** That reminds me… Bianca, I believe I owe both you and your brother an apology. I believe myself to be partially responsible for your death. Had you not joined my Hunters…

**Dead inside:** It’s truly alright, Lady Artemis. It hurt me as much as it hurt Nico, but… I think it did good for both of us in some ways.

**Artemis:** Forgive me if I don’t understand how.

**Dead inside:** It helped Nico grow into who he is now. While that may be somewhat moody and… “Emo”, he’s grown a lot, and he’s much less naive than before. For me, I’ve gotten to experience a lot while being with my father, and now I’m back, so I’ll get to experience more.

**Artemis:** While I am glad that you’ve both grown from the experience, I… nevermind.

**Artemis:** I just hope my brother is alright. He may be an idiot, but… he _is_ family.

**Dead inside:** Lady Artemis, whatever you were saying before that is important. If it’s something you’d rather wait for me to hear, that’s fine, but you don’t need to say nevermind to anything when speaking with me.

**Artemis:** You are truly a special soul, Bianca. The world needs more people like you.

**Dead inside:** Ah, thank you, Lady Artemis.

**Moonlight >> Dead inside**

**Moonlight:** Adriana, are you crying?

**Dead inside:** No, my allergies are just acting up a bit. I’ll be fine.

**Moonlight:** If you’re sure… At our next stop, we can talk if you’d like.

**Dead inside:** Sounds wonderful. We’re set to stop in Cloudcroft, yes?

**Moonlight:** Yep. Get some rest until then, okay?

**Dead inside:** You as well.

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits: Now With Mortal Danger!**

**poseidon’s btich:** we’re like four hours away from cloudcroft and i’m so fucking tired, so will took over driving

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’m glad you all are doing okay.

**poseidon’s btich:** it’s really unsettling though

**poseidon’s btich:** we haven’t been attacked since we left new york?? and i don’t know whether or not i’m happy about that???

**Thalia Why:** Not to be pessimistic, but that seems ominous. Your collective demigod aura should have attracted flocks of monsters by now.

**Moonlight:** yeah,, i dunno, maybe someone on olympus is looking out for us somehow

**Thalia Why:** Like who?

**poseidon’s btich:** hestia

**Artreemis:** dad

**Dead inside:** Lady Artemis, perhaps?

**Sunshine Boy!:** All of the above.

**Moonlight:** i was gonna say my dad but no

**poseidon’s btich:** ur dad doesnt even live on olympus

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Will, aren’t you driving?

**Sunshine Boy!:** We pulled over to raid our snack bags.

**Moonlight:** what if zeus just went to my dad and was like

**Moonlight:** don’t you fucking dare

**Artreemis:** im too tired for this shit

**Moonlight:** i’m just saying!

**Dead inside:** Anyways… We’re probably all going to get some rest in a little bit. Is everyone doing okay at camp?

**Artreemis:** the apollo kids are here to stop me nico and percy from killing each other

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** We’re all safe here, don’t worry! Chiron has been watching over the barrier and everything.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Also, that’s a big mood.

**poseidon’s btich:** annabethh

**poseidon’s btich:** i love you, keep everyone safe mwah

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** She just put on her hat. Percy, you made her flustered. We’re at dinner and you did this to her.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** percabeth is doing pda over text oh shit

**Artreemis:** i mean if we’re playing that game y’all mind if i derail the conversation for a moment

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Go ahead.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** i just saw a phone float up and got terrified

**Artreemis:** thats nice leo

**Artreemis:** anyway adriana

**Dead inside:** Yes?

**Artreemis:** when we get back from the quest do you wanna go out for coffee or something idk ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Dead inside:** I’d love to.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** get ur girl thals

**New Phone Who Dis**

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** YO THALIA JUST GOT A DATE

**Kayla:** SPILL THE TEA LEO

**Kayla:** SPILL IT

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** SPILL IT YOU COWARD.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** SO IN THE MAIN GROUP CHAT, SHE ASKED ADRIANA IF SHE WANTED TO GET COFFEE AND ADRIANA SAID SHE WOULD LOVE TO SO I MEAAAAN

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** GET SOME, THALIA

**Kayla:** austin are you ready for Operation: Make Sure Thalia Is Treating Our Sister Right?

**Austin:** Always.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Leo just said it’s time for Operation: Piper Get Some and I’m actually going to tackle him.

**Hazelnut:** Have you both really been expecting this?

**Kayla:** yeah

**Austin:** We _saw_ Thalia giving her looks from across the archery range.

**Kayla:** anyways, yeah, piper, get some. ;)

**Austin:** Stay in the Hades Cabin, ya nasty.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Leo and I just tackled each other, but hell yeah. I’ll be there in a moment.

**Hazelnut:** Wait so are you two dating or are you just??? Friends with benefits who go on dates???

**Kayla:** second one

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I don’t have the time to be fully committed to a relationship, and Kay’s got a lot on her plate, but maybe one day.

**Kayla:** yeah we all love will but hes an asshole for leaving on a quest and leaving us to manage ourselves

**Kayla:** we’re the apollo cabin we’re a clusterfuck without our head counsellor

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** i would offer to help, but pipes and i are watching stupid videos and i’d also cause havoc

**Artemis:** Kayla, Austin, take care of yourselves. I can come down if needed.

**Austin:** We can handle ourselves, Aunt Artemis.

**Kayla:** _aunt artemis as our new head counsellor let’s fucking go_

**Artemis:** I’ll speak to my father.

**Kayla >> Sunshine Boy!**

**Kayla:** hey how you doing

**Sunshine Boy!:** What do you need, Kay?

**Kayla:** so uh

**Kayla:** you know we love you very much right

**Sunshine Boy!:** Of course, and I love you all too. Now, what’s up?

**Kayla:** since you left your clusterfuck cabin of siblings alone

**Kayla:** we’re getting a new head counsellor

**Sunshine Boy!:** :( Only until I get back, right?

**Kayla:** idk i mean

**Kayla:** its _aunt artemis_ will our new head counsellor is a _goddess_

**Sunshine Boy!:** … You know, you right.

**Kayla:** anyway i love you have fun on ur quest bye loser

**Sunshine Boy!:** I love you too, stay safe. I’ll see you when I get back.

**Camp Half-Blood Fuckwits: Now With Mortal Danger!**

**Wise Bitch:** Good morning, everyone.

**Thalia Why:** Good morning, Athena.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** do the gods suddenly like us or something what are all these good morning messages

**Wise Bitch:** Artemis started a trend.

**poseidon’s btich:** morning gamers

**Wise Bitch:**....

**Wise Bitch:** Good morning, to everyone except Perseus Jackson.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Mom!

**poseidon’s btich:** :( babe ur mom is bullying me

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** She secretly loves and appreciates you, she just doesn’t show it.

**poseidon’s btich:** :D

**Sunshine Boy!:** Kayla told me Aunt Artemis is taking over my duties as head counsellor while I’m on the quest.

**Artemis:** That’s correct. I hope that’s alright.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Yeah, it is! Just… Keep my siblings out of trouble. They’re a handful.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Nico stop chugging that coffee- niCO-

**Artreemis:** good morning adriana fell asleep on my shoulder and i shed a single gay tear

**Artreemis:** also im too scared to move and risk waking her up help

**Moonlight:** 1) not gonna stop drinking my coffee, i’m tired

**Moonlight:** 2) will has a halo right now basically and i,,, love him,,,

**Artreemis:** SO DOES ADRIANA

**Artreemis** _has changed the conversation name to_ **Crying Over Apollo Kids.**

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** HIT OR MISS

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** I GUESS THEY NEVER MISS, HUH

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** YOU’VE GOT A BOYFRIEND

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** I BET HE DOESN’T KISS YA (MWAH)

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** HE GON’ FIND ANOTHER GIRL AND HE WON’T MISS YA

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** HE GON’ SKRRT

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** THEN HIT THE DAB LIKE WIZ KHALIFA

**Moonlight:** that’s my brain on meth

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’ve been staring at that for two minutes and I still can’t comprehend it.

**Wise Bitch 2.0** _has added_ **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen** _to the conversation._

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Piper, you’re the only one who understands Leo.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Gucci flip flops

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Fuck it, hit your bitch in my socks

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** This a big watch, diamond drippin' off of the clock

**Moonlight:** also my brain on meth

**Sunshine Boy!:** Meth is bad for you.

**Moonlight:** it’s my brain on two hours of sleep

**Artreemis:** im too gay for this

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** pipes and i are an iconic duo

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** platonic soulmates mwah

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** He’s not wrong, mwah.

**Artreemis:** hey can i be like

**Artreemis:** really gay for a second

**Moonlight:** sure

**Artreemis:** in addition to looking like she has an actual sunlight halo adriana murmurs in her sleep

**Artreemis:** its the cutest thing

**Artreemis:** also her hair looks soft and i wanna pet it but i would kill someone if they touched my hair without permission so im not gonna

**Sunshine Boy!:** Fun fact, Nico wouldn’t let me touch his hair for a good two years.

**Moonlight:** it’s a rat

**Sunshine Boy!:** It’s fluffy.

**Dead inside:** It’dfluffy.

**Moonlight:** no it’s not! how would you even know that???

**Dead inside:** ‘ve touched it.

**Dead inside:** In adream.

**Dead inside:** And also Willtoldme.

**Sunshine Boy!:** When we were switching to a car, she and I were talking, so.

**poseidon’s btich:** anyways, we’re almost in cloudcroft so see y’all fuckers later

**New Phone Who Dis**

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** i added pipes to the gucci gang chat

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** btw thalia changed the name of the chat and im crying

**Kayla:** what is it now?

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** crying over apollo kids

**Austin:** Change it to just crying over Apollo, you won’t.

**Kayla:** thats aunt artemis  
**Artemis:** Hush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love my boyfriend and he texted me when we were writing this chapter this has been a psa -author nico
> 
> \-----
> 
> like thalia, i too feel the urge to burst into gay tears whenever adriana breathes -author solace


	7. Bianca's Home

**Crying Over Apollo Kids**

**poseidon’s btich:** guys i just remembered the first time annabeth kissed me and almost started crying

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Here he goes.

**poseidon’s btich:** so if you were around when we went on the labyrinth quest, we split up from grover and my brother right??

**poseidon’s btich:** well she went off one way from me and i almost died, but before she left she kissed me and kdsjbkjjhbkghb

**poseidon’s btich:** i just love my girlfriends o much sdubghjgbgn

**Artreemis:** girlfriends

**Artreemis:** oh wait i just realized

**Artreemis:** fuck you dyslexia

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I feel that, Thalia.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I love you too, Percy.

**poseidon’s btich:** mwah

**Sunshine Boy!:** Hey Nico, do you know CPR?

**Moonlight:** no???

**Sunshine Boy!:** Well that’s going to be a problem, because you take my breath away.

**Moonlight:** im going to sweater town ksbfsdsgjgs

**poseidon’s btich:** ok me

**poseidon’s btich:** wait ok guys, tea

**poseidon’s btich:** annabeth said i was the most annoying person she met after i came back from calypso’s island, right??

**poseidon’s btich:** but she kissed me only two weeks earlier?? :thinking emoji:

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** t e a

**Artreemis:** its cuz you nearly died percy

**Artreemis:** from what i was told you walked in on your own funeral

**Artreemis:** although if i was you i wouldnt have made my presence known until after the speeches

**Artreemis:** know what those bitches had to say about me

**poseidon’s btich:** god i would have

**poseidon’s btich:** annabeth was nearly sobbing so i felt the need to show myself

**Artreemis:** ew heterosexuality

**Moonlight:** i was still in the labyrinth and sobbing over the ghost of my sister

**Moonlight:** good times

**Dead inside:** Ah.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Uh… Anyways, we’re stopping to get McDonald’s right now and it’s so nice to be able to stretch our legs.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** havent you already had mcdonalds once

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** You have McDonald’s every week during the school year.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** now why you gotta do me like this pipes

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Ily, mwah.

**Leo Fuckin’ McQueen:** ilyt mwah

**poseidon’s btich:** ew, heterosexuals

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Percy, you’re a heterosexual.

**poseidon’s btich:** but what if im bi

**Artreemis:** oh shit is he bi

**poseidon’s btich:** :shrug: i love annabeth and that’s what matters

**Moonlight:** im gay

**Sunshine Boy!:** We’re aware, Moonlight.

**Moonlight:** >:/

**Sunshine Boy!:** Buuuut, I love you.

**Dead inside:** Anyways… Nico and I are probably going to look around for a bit, if that’s alright?

**Moonlight:** 1) i love you too will

**Moonlight:** 2) nobody tell us no because i saw a lot of mythomagic shit and im not letting it make me feel upset anymore because that’s my childhood

**Dead inside:** I knew someone who loved Mythomagic as a kid.

**Moonlight:** mythomagic was literally my everything honestly

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** …

 

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen >> Wise Bitch 2.0**

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** She’s Nico’s sister, isn’t she?

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** … Yeah.

 

**Crying Over Apollo Kids**

**Sunshine Boy!:** Adriana, are you crying?

**Dead inside:** Allergies.

**Dead inside:** They get really bad during summer, sorry.

**Moonlight:** if something’s up we can talk about it while we’re shopping?

**Dead inside:** Of course.

**poseidon’s btich:** so cloudcroft

**poseidon’s btich:** grover, thalia, remember that fucking pig

**Artreemis:** that shit was wild

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** please don’t,,, remind me,,,

**poseidon’s btich:** yeah it was a blessing from pan or something

**Artreemis:** a blessing that definitely tried to kill us

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** guys

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** a pig? lmao that sounds lit asf

**Artreemis:** oh yeah

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Stop being mean to Grover.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Tell Grover you’re sorry, Percy.

**poseidon’s btich:** grover aint a fucking squirrel

**Artreemis:** im sorry where the  _ fuck  _ did that come from

**poseidon’s btich:** the time we were lost in the words in new jersey and we were never gonna make it to LA

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Percy pissed off a squirrel, and it took me telling him to say sorry for him to actually apologize to the squirrel.

**poseidon’s btich:** shhHHHH we dont talk about that

**Artreemis:** cant believe i kin percy

**Artreemis:** i had a squirrel living inside me once

**Artreemis:** do not recommend

**poseidon’s btich:** do squirrels even live in pine trees???

**Artreemis:** probably not

**Dead inside:** Can’t believe I kin that squirrel.

**Artreemis:** you have the same sense of humor as me

**Artreemis:** i love you

**Artreemis:** marry me

**Dead inside:** Okay.

**poseidon’s btich:** annabeth why won’t you marry me smh

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** We’re seventeen. We’ve got promise rings for a reason.

**Artreemis:** im eternally fifteen and uh

**Artreemis:** how old are you adriana

**Dead inside:** Sixteen.

**Artreemis:** wait hold on are we actually getting married now

**poseidon’s btich** _ has added  _ **Chiron** _ to the conversation. _

**poseidon’s btich:** chiron can adriana and thalia get married at chb when we get back

**Artreemis:** hold on i

**Artreemis:** i need a moment

**Artreemis** _ has left the conversation. _

**poseidon’s btich** _ has added  _ **Artreemis** _ to the conversation. _

**poseidon’s btich:** we’re in the same place

**Artreemis:** percy i just said i needed a moment smh

**Chiron:** Thalia, be nice. Now, what is this about getting married?

**poseidon’s btich:** thalia asked adriana to marry her

**poseidon’s btich:** and adriana said yes

**Chiron:** Oh! Well, I must say I wasn’t expecting this, but I would be happy to allow you to have the wedding at camp.

**poseidon’s btich:** hey annabeth

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** No.

**Artreemis:** hey adriana can we talk real fast

 

**Artreemis >> Dead inside**

**Artreemis:** Are you serious? Like, are you actually serious?

**Dead inside:** I may be.

**Artreemis:** Adriana Percy is about to plan a wholeass wedding for us–

**Dead inside:** When we get back to camp, we can let him.

**Artreemis:** ?!?!

 

**Crying Over Apollo Kids**

**poseidon’s btich:** thalia started making unholy screeching sounds

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Sounds like Leo after we get to a scary part in a horror movie.

**Artreemis:** hey so does anyone care if i go for a walk

**poseidon’s btich:** we’re on a quest!

**Artreemis:** awesome see you guys in an hour

**Chiron:** Be careful, Thalia. All of your group should meet back soon.

**Sunshine Boy!:** We’re set to get to Arizona soon, so… That’ll be fun.

**Dead inside:** Oh, right…

**Moonlight:** y’all mind if i sleep on the way there so i don’t have to think about shit

**Dead inside:** Um… I think I’ll do the same, if that’s okay.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Adriana? You seem down.

**Dead inside:** Oh, it’s nothing! Just… allergies.

 

**poseidon’s btich** has added  **Artreemis** to  **Shit Talk Thalia Time.**

**poseidon’s btich:** hey so im bringing back a dead chat

**Artreemis:** jason im gonna strangle you

**Thalia Why:** Do it, you won’t.

**poseidon’s btich:** so like is it just me or something up with adriana

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Do we have to explain?

**poseidon’s btich:** please i have dumb bitch disease

**Sunshine Boy!:** It’s a long story, and I don’t think this is the best place. Just… once we get to Arizona, you’ll know, okay?

**poseidon’s btich:** wait

**poseidon’s btich:** **_wait_ **

**poseidon’s btich:** is adriana b

**Sunshine Boy!:** Yes! Now, Thalia, give back his phone.

**Artreemis:** >:(

 

**Artreemis >> poseidon’s btich**

**Artreemis:** Say it louder why don’t you, I don’t think Nico heard you!

**poseidon’s btich:** I’m sorry! I forgot we added him to that chat. Now, she’s seriously Bianca?

**Artreemis:** You really are slow on the uptake, huh?

**poseidon's btich:** Yes and no. Does Bianca plan to tell him?

**Artreemis:** If she has, she hasn’t mentioned it, although it’s only a matter of time.

**poseidon’s btich:** He’s gonna have to find out soon. The junkyard is probably going to be the place it happens, if anywhere.

**Artreemis:** Yeah, that’s what we figured, given the second line of the prophecy and all.

**Artreemis:** Plus, you yourself called attention to how weird she was acting.

**Artreemis:** Honestly I’m surprised Nico hasn’t clued in yet but  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Dumb bitch disease is strong I suppose.

**poseidon’s btich:** Nico’s trying to forget about everything. He makes jokes, but he doesn’t want to think about Bianca’s death.

**Artreemis:** Well, now I just feel like an asshole.

**Artreemis:** But… if we’re right… do you think Nico will be okay?

**poseidon’s btich:** I… Don’t know. He’s still hurting.

**Artreemis:** I guess all we can do is be there for him.

**Artreemis:** By the way, you spelled ‘bitch’ wrong.

**poseidon’s btich:** fuCK

 

**Crying Over Apollo Kids**

**poseidon’s btich** _ has changed their display name to  _ **poseidon’s bitch** .

**poseidon’s bitch:** why didn’t anybody tell me???

**Artreemis:** i just did

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I thought you had it like that to be funny or something.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** it was funny

**poseidon’s bitch:** :((

**Moonlight:** anyways, we’re leaving cloudcroft in like five minutes, to az we go

**Chiron:** Hold on a moment. Percy, Annabeth, Leo, Piper, I must discourage the use of vulgar language.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Ass.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** bitch

**Chiron:** Piper, Leo!

**poseidon’s bitch:** fuck

**Chiron:** Percy!

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Shit.

**Chiron:** Annabeth!

**Water Thot:** Let my children curse 2kXX.

**poseidon’s bitch:** thalia and i are your only children tho

**Chiron:** Lord Poseidon?

**Water Thot:** Yes?

**Chiron:** Forgive me, but isn’t Thalia the daughter of Lord Zeus?

**Artreemis:** ew no he a hoe

**Lightning Thot:** Alright.

**Artreemis:** _ tell me im wrong uncle zeus i fucking dare you _

**Lightning Thot:** Thalia, I don’t feel like doing this right now.

**Artreemis:** yknow i was going to be offended then i remembered why we’re on a quest in the first place

**Lightning Thot:** When you’re finished with your quest, I do want to speak with you, Thalia.

**Artreemis:** listen im here for a good time not a long time

**Dead inside:** Anyway...

**Sunshine Boy!:** We’re heading out for the junkyard now, I’m driving, so I’ll talk to everyone in a bit.

 

 **Moonlight** _has added_ **Sunshine Boy!, Wise Bitch 2.0, poseidon’s bitch, Leo Fuckin’ Valdez, Piper Fuckin’ McQueen, Thalia Why,** _and_ **Grover (´ ∀ ` *)** _to_ **what the fuck just happened**

**Moonlight:** I’m having a whole fucking night.

**Moonlight:** Like, it’s good shit, but I’m still having a fucking night.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I think we all have an idea, but I’ll go ahead and ask: what happened?

**Moonlight:** Adriana, Bianca.

**Sunshine Boy!:** He’s kind of shaky from crying, but Bianca told him everything.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Bianca’s kind of having a moment right now too, but Thalia’s with her.

**Moonlight:** They asked me to make another chat so Bianca could calm down.

**Moonlight:** I’m just… Shocked. That’s my  _ sister _ , who I was so desperate to get back two years ago, and now she’s here and… I’m gonna start crying again, fuck.

**Thalia Why:** Are you going to be alright? What happened to Bianca?

**Moonlight:** She had a panic attack because of the junkyard, since this is where she.. Yeah. So, I took her off to the side while everyone else was exploring for clues and shit, and she told me everything. And I’ll be fine, I’m just shaken.

_ Three minutes later… _

**Moonlight:** Guys?

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Sorry, none of us knew what to say.

**Moonlight:** It’s fine.

**poseidon’s bitch:** today’s been a lot for everyone

**poseidon’s bitch:** we’re gonna make our way into phoenix and rest at a motel for the night, we’re all fucking suffering and need to wash up and sleep somewhere that we won’t be in as much danger

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Take care of yourselves.

**Thalia Why:** That reminds me, still no monsters?

**Moonlight:** None. We sent my father an Iris message and he said nothing about it, so I’m assuming he’s helping us.

**poseidon’s bitch:** lets not think about any other options at least

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Anyways… I’m glad you found out, Nico. I know you’ve been wanting Bianca back for years.

**Moonlight:** Yeah… It’s insane, but I’m also happy as hell.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Not to interrupt, but did you guys find anything in the junkyard? Or was it just to… yknow?

**Sunshine Boy!:** We found something, it’s some kind of compass with my father on it. I can’t activate it on my own, so I may have to wait until Bianca is in a better place and talk to her.

**poseidon’s bitch:** prophecy

**poseidon’s bitch:** this might be for the line about you two

**poseidon’s bitch:** thalia suddenly glared at me across the area??

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** She and I both have “Percy is being dumb again” sensors.

**poseidon’s bitch:** but that wasnt dumb??

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** Um, I think they mean that what you said was pretty obvious.

**Moonlight:** Yeah, that.

**Moonlight:** Anyways, we’re heading out. Bianca and I are gonna talk more in the car, I’ll keep everyone updated.

**Thalia Why:** Be safe, and don’t force yourself to talk about anything you don’t want to.

 

**Sunshine Boy! >> Artreemis**

**Sunshine Boy!:** Is Bianca doing okay?

**Artreemis:** She’s doing better. What about Nico?

**Sunshine Boy!:** He’s hanging in there. He’s probably gonna need some time to take all of this in, though.

**Sunshine Boy!:** It’s not everyday your sister is reincarnated.

**Artreemis:** I hear you. Bianca’s just kind of leaning against me right now; I think the whole ordeal exhausted her emotionally as well as physically.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Once we get into Phoenix, both of them can rest. We’re letting them have one of the beds in the motel to themselves, we should have enough money for two rooms if need be.

**Artreemis:** Or Percy just sleeps on the floor.

**Sunshine Boy!:** They’ll probably have a couch in the room, he’ll be fine. Should we just sleep with our significant others? (You and Bianca are totally going to date, so.)

**Artreemis:** I feel called out.

**Artreemis:** But yeah. Although in my case it’s less on the crush I have on her and more just general worry.

**Sunshine Boy!:** I feel that. Nico may be my boyfriend, but I know he usually needs a hug after stuff like this. It’s not like when he and I normally cuddle at night, this time it’s more to make sure I know he’s going to be okay.

**Artreemis:** You two are a match made in Olympus, you understand each other better than anyone else. I hope I can be that for Bianca.

**Sunshine Boy!:** I can tell you will be. She needs someone who’s willing to be there for her when she needs it most.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Seems like the di Angelos just work like that.

**Artreemis:** Seems so.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Try and focus on a game or song for the next two hours, okay? I think it would be best for you and Bianca to try and relax like that instead of talking things out in the car.

**Artreemis:** This is why I downloaded Cookie Clicker.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Be like the rest of us and just download Bang Dream.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Or like... Town of Salem.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Hell, even fucking Candy Crush Saga or something!

**Artreemis:** *whips*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "battle of the labyrinth was an inside project" -Author Nico  
> “I specialize in humans, not cats.” -Author Nico
> 
> "luke castellan is a fucking weenie" -Author Solace


	8. introducing the god of jackasses

**Crying Over Apollo Kids**

**poseidon’s bitch:** i need new friends

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Why?

 **poseidon’s bitch:** my so-called friends made me sleep on the couch

 **poseidon’s bitch:** while the couples cuddled in the beds

 **Moonlight:** in my defense

 **Moonlight:** i passed out as soon as i hit the bed, so will took the same one as me

 **Artreemis:** bianca did the same thing so check and mate

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** wait wait

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** percy said “the couples”

 **Leo Fuckin Valdez:** is thaliana canon???

 **Dead inside:** :shrug: Maybe, maybe not.

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** That’s cryptic.

 **Artreemis:** what do you want from us piper

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Less cryptic shit.

 **Artreemis:** we havent kissed

 **Artreemis:** there

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** pipes just screamed into a pillow and like mood

 **Artreemis:** :shrug: i gave her her less cryptic shit

 **Thalia Why:** And this is how you know Thalia just woke up.

 **poseidon’s bitch:** i just realized how often leo and piper are together

 **poseidon’s bitch:** does chiron just let you stay in the same cabin wtf

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Leo has a bunker under the cabin, you know this, right?

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** we arent breaking any rules lol

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Besides, we’re childhood friends, and I wouldn’t fuck Leo.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** But you’d fuck my sister.

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** dshfhsdkjsdgkjgs Yeah.

 **poseidon’s bitch:** wait what

 **poseidon’s bitch:** piper’s fucking one of will’s sisters????

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** yeah, it’s fuckin’ wild

 **poseidon’s bitch:** why am i only just hearing about this???

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Because we’re mostly keeping quiet.

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** But yeah, I’m fucking Kayla.

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Get some.

 **Goddess of Love:** Piper, you’re engaging in safe sex, yes?

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Hey, mom.

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Yeah, and I’m not fucking Leo, so it’s even safer.

 **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** can’t handle my fire smh

 **Goddess of Love:** Good, _someone_ needs to set an example for your friends.

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I think the only other ones who actually have safe sex are Annabeth and Percy.

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Yeah, because we’re seventeen and don’t want kids right now.

 **Goddess of Love:** Good. Safe sex is important. Without it, the Aphrodite cabin would be twice as large as it is.

 **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** That’s enough for tonight, Leo, let’s actually fucking finish what we were doing.

 **Dead inside:** Guys, Thalia just fell back asleep. I am concerned.

 **Thalia Why:** Has she been sleeping much?

 **poseidon’s bitch:** nobody sleeps much on quests, so no

 **Dead inside:** Correction: Nobody sleeps much on quests unless you’re an Apollo kid, in which case your circadian rhythm is like “The sun’s down? _Go to sleep.”_

 **Sunshine Boy!:** guYS HOLY FUCK THE COMPASS WORKED

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Bianca put her hand on it for two seconds while I was holding it and it worked!

 **Moonlight:** do we have to go?? i’m tiiired

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Sleep in the car, love.

 **poseidon’s bitch:** someone get thalia, i’ll go check us out

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Wait, where’s the compass pointing?

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Towards Los Angeles.

 **poseidon’s bitch:** nno

 **Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** hold on, you guys said you got the compass from the junkyard?

 **Moonlight:** yeah?

 **Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** and nothing attacked you??

 **Moonlight:** nope

 **Sunshine Boy!:** My father is the god of oracles, maybe he saw this coming?

 **Sunshine Boy!:** And the compass wasn’t Hephaestus’, maybe that’s why we didn’t get attacked?

 **Dead inside:** That would make sense.

 **Moonlight:** also, percy looks like ass

 **poseidon’s bitch:** i slept on a COUCH

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Like you haven’t done that before.

 **Moonlight:** oooo burn

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Anyways, time for a seven hour drive.

 **Dead inside:** If we don’t put on music, I’m suing.

 **Artreemis:** i call dibs on the aux cord

 **Moonlight:** N o.

 **Moonlight:** percy’s driving, he gets aux

 **Artreemis:** percy 1v1 me

 **poseidon’s bitch:** then

 **poseidon’s bitch:** i was gonna be mean but then i remembered you had a panic attack when apollo made you drive ilu i’ll give you the aux at some point

 **Artreemis:** oh look my little brothers being nice to me

 **poseidon’s bitch:** uwu

 **poseidon’s bitch:** okay we’re checked out let’s go

_Four hours later…_

**poseidon’s bitch:** i’m gonna fucking sccream

 **Moonlight:** same

 **Moonlight:** why is this a thing

 **Moonlight:** i’d rather not fight you and thalia

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** What’s going on? Why are you fighting?

 **Artreemis:** in the wise words of perseus jackson, “prophecy”

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** … Oh. _Oh_.

 **Moonlight:** someone cut me with your nails u wont

 **Artreemis:** k

 **poseidon’s bitch:** we have to Battle

 **Moonlight:** looks like i’m gonna win

 **Artreemis:** oh hell nah

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Guys, c’mon, let’s… Let’s just hope things will be okay.

 **Artreemis:** whos ready to suffer

 **poseidon’s bitch:** nno

 **Moonlight:** cmon,, we’ve just gotta draw blood, right?

 **Artreemis:** how much tho

 **Thalia Why:** Could someone please explain what’s going on other than “prophecy?”

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Just enough, Thalia.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Also, fourth line of the prophecy.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Children of land, sea, and sky with blood pay

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** I think he meant the context, since prophecies are vague.

 **Thalia Why:** ^^ What Annabeth said.

 **Moonlight:** we have to fight each other, draw blood, and drip it on some weird thing in the middle of this room we’re in

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Nico, that’s called an altar.

 **Moonlight:** consider this: im a dumbass

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Dumbass or not, I still love you.

 **Sunshine Boy!:** Anyway, there’s ancient Greek text on it, but most of the text is so faded away it’s indecipherable, except for the part we linked to the prophecy.

 **Moonlight:** fun times, gotta love this shit

 **Moonlight:** this probably says like

 **Moonlight:** uwu drop ur blood in the altar and maybe a spirit will come and fight u idk fam

 **(ง •̀_•́):** None of us would inscribe an altar like that.

 **poseidon’s bitch:** what, is it your altar???

 **(ง •̀_•́):** No.

 **Artreemis:** *squints*

 **Artreemis:** guess it must be an altar to demeter then

 **Moonlight:** demeter wouldn’t have us draw blood

 **Artreemis:** what do you think she is, the goddess of agriculture?

 **Moonlight:** u right

 **Moonlight:** wait guys

 **Moonlight:** sometimes i remember my dad and persephone are a thing and just

 **Moonlight:** she’s my stepmom and my cousin

 **(ง •̀_•́):** Maybe you guys should do the sacrifice instead of discussing useless bullshit?

 **Artreemis:** uuugh let’s just get this over with

_A few minutes later…_

**Moonlight:** my hand hurts

_A minute later…_

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** is will not gonna say the thing

 **Artreemis:** no he’s fussing over his boyfriend while bianca fusses over me

 **Moonlight:** i get one small cut from a fight and will fusses

 **Moonlight:** i’m fiiiiiiine

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Are you three okay?

 **Moonlight:** thalia and i are, percy’s not

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** _What_?

 **Artreemis:** we had to gang up on someone

 **Wise Bitch 2.0:** Thalia!

 **Artreemis:** :shrug:

 **Moonlight:** will healed his wounds, and we’re going back in the car now

 **Dead inside:** Time for two hours of My Chemical Romance.

 **Moonlight:** this is the perk of being the drivers boyfriend :3

 **Thalia Why:** Hold on, what did the altar sacrifice do?

 **Artreemis:** honestly fuck if we know

 **Moonlight:** i feel weaker though

 **Artreemis:** same now that you mention it

 **Thalia Why:** I’m going to fight whichever god’s altar that was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Bröther I'm bringing you the wörms." -Author Nico
> 
> "i take back what i said in this house we love and appreciate redeemed!luke" -Author Solace


	9. piper forgets google translate exists

**Crying Over Apollo Kids**

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Hey, guys? Remember when Luke and Thalia were dating?

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Because Thalia is my mom.

**Artreemis:** im 15 and im your mom

**poseidon’s bitch:** _ what _

**Thalia Why:** Welcome back, Percy.

**poseidon’s bitch:** no someone explain

**poseidon’s bitch:** thalia and luke  _ dated _ ?????

**poseidon’s bitch:** i thought thalia was lesbiab

**poseidon’s bitch:** les bean

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Take your time.

**poseidon’s bitch:** _ girls _

**Artreemis:** im  _ bi _ you oversized walnut

**Artreemis:** but hunter of artemis things

**Artreemis:** and also luke’s dead so like :shrug:

**Dead inside:** Are Hunters of Artemis even meant to have relationships at all?

**Artreemis:** lolno

**Artreemis:** but rilliane called mom out on her girlfriends a few months ago

**Artreemis:** and she was like

**Artreemis:** “...”

**Artreemis:** “ok fine”

**Artreemis:** and thats how lesbians got allowed in the hunters of artemis

**poseidon’s bitch:** im still not comprehending that you dated Luke Castellan

**Artreemis:** shut your mouth luke died a hero anyway

**poseidon’s bitch:** but did you break up before he was under kronos’ control???

**Artreemis:** percy

**Artreemis:** need i remind you

**Artreemis:** that i was turned into a  _ tree _

**poseidon’s bitch:** but you never technically broke up right???

**Artreemis:** well what did you expect me to do???

**Artreemis:** call the underworld???

**Moonlight:** dad come here

**Underworld Thot:** What?

**Moonlight:** find luke castellan, have him text us from your phone

**Underworld Thot:** Alright.

**Underworld Thot:** What? -Luke

**Artreemis:** hey we’re broken up now

**Underworld Thot:** I died a year ago, and you had been a tree for six years. I think we broke up seven years ago. -Luke

**Artreemis:** was i not a pretty tree

**Underworld Thot:** You were a gorgeous tree, Thals, but still a  _ tree _ . -Luke

**Artreemis:** that you cried over

**Artreemis:** multiple times

**Artreemis:** i wasnt completely dead to the world

**Underworld Thot:** … I’m going back to chilling with some skeletons. I’ll speak to you all next time you have to go to the Underworld. -Luke

**Dead inside:** I didn’t know you had ever been in a relationship, Thals.

**Thalia Why:** Same here.

**poseidon’s bitch:** obviously i didnt know

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Grover and I knew, they had been together for the few months we were on the run.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Luke was heartbroken by Thalia being turned into a tree, and I think that’s what really started his hatred against the Gods.

**poseidon’s bitch:** then cue five years of us having to fight him, then having to fight octavian and gaea for another year, then dealing with  _ lester _

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** wait who here has seen avatar

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** We’re watching it right now.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** *luke voice* my girlfriend turned into a tree

**Artreemis:** w h e e z e yeah

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** That’s rough, buddy.

**poseidon’s bitch:** also we’ve all been forced to sit through an hour and a half of mcr

**Moonlight:** you let my boyfriend drive and he put my playlist on, i have some fall out boy on there, so shut up

**Artreemis:** put on some green day you cowards

**Moonlight:** fine

**New Chat Who Dis**

**Kayla** _ has kicked  _ **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez** _ from the conversation _

**Kayla** _ has renamed the conversation  _ **uwu pipes has a crush**

**Kayla:** so pipes and leo are watching avatar with me and pipes keeps giving leo  _ that look _

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** No I am not!

**Kayla:** you literally look at me the same way

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I have a crush on you,  _ not  _ Leonidas.

**Austin:** You’re literally giving him the look you give Kay every other day.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** But I don’t have a crush on him! It’s me being fond of him because he’s my best friend!

**Kayla:** pipes we’re fucking i think that would be a slightly different look

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I still have a crush on you.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** :eyes:

**Austin:** Polyamory.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Come again?

**Kayla:** its possible to like multiple people at once coco

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** … But, is  _ dating  _ two people at once something that’s like… Socially acceptable if there’s consent from all parties?

**Goddess of Love:** Piper, darling, I’ve been in relationships with at least four other people at once before. That is the whole point of polyamory.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** … I’ll… Think about things. For now I’m going back to “platonically” cuddling Leo and Kayla.

**Kayla:** so you admit it

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** No.

**Kayla:** mission failed

**Kayla:** we’ll get her next time

**Crying Over Apollo Kids**

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** so either i got kicked from a chat or pipes and kayla are sexting

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** We aren’t sexting.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** They aren’t sexting.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** did y’all really just kick me from a chat

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** It was important. We’ll add you back in a few.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** beauty queeeen i thought we were friends

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I’ll add you back in a minute, Repair Boy.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** My phone just blew up with notifications from the chat. Piper is adding you back now, though.

**poseidon’s bitch:** hey wait

**poseidon’s bitch:** thals

**Artreemis:** what

**poseidon’s bitch:** you said you were conscious in your tree

**Artreemis:** yea?

**poseidon’s bitch:** could you sleep or like

**Artreemis:** basically the only times i was awake was if someone was near me, there was a huge battle going on, or when luke poisoned me

**Artreemis:** incidentally going to sleep when you’re a poisoned tree is very difficult and painful

**Moonlight:** you know what’s also difficult

**Moonlight:** sleeping in the underworld

**Moonlight:** my dad was always busy, i just wanted to Nap

**poseidon’s bitch:** dont you have a wholeass room in your dad’s palace

**Moonlight:** yeah but like

**Moonlight:** i mainly go down there with will and we stay in my room when we’re there

**Moonlight:** my dad doesn’t bother us when we’re chilling in there

**poseidon’s bitch:** anyway like i was saying

**poseidon’s bitch:** thalia why do you even need sleep if youve been sleeping for the most of five years

**Artreemis:** ya know idk

**Moonlight:** Gods Me

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez** _ has kicked  _ **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen** _ from the conversation _ .

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** guys help i’m straight

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** We know, Leo.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** im having a crisis is it wrong to like my best friend

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** …

**Wise Bitch 2.0** _ has added  _ **Kayla** _ to the conversation. _

**Kayla:** OOOOOOOOO

**Kayla:** :3 uwu im getting you two together

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** but don’t you like her too??

**Kayla:** its called polyamory you fucking oven-roasted ox

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** _ holy shit you’re right _

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Okay, someone spam memes or something and then add Piper back.

**uwu pipes has a crush**

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen** _ has changed the conversation name to  _ **fuck**

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen** _ has added  _ **Leo Fuckin’ Valdez** _ to the conversation _ .

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** uwu!!

**Austin:** Hey, Leo.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** yo, pipes, kay and i are all watching tiktok compilations now

**Kayla:** pipes is really cute when she sings in french, she knew a lot of the french songs coming up in the video

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** French is gorgeous, I had to.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Hey, Repair Boy.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** yo

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Bonjour, je suis un voleur. Je suis là pour voler ton coeur.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** _ what does that say _

**Goddess of Love:** Aw, Piper, how sweet.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** lady aphrodite please bless me with knowing  _ what pipes just s a i d _

**Goddess of Love:** You’ll know soon enough.

**Kayla:** lmao pipes told me what it said and thats hetero girl

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** ????????

**Kayla:** you're dumb as a rock boo

**Austin:** Kayla, be nice.

**Kayla:** but

**Artemis:** Kayla.

**Kayla:** >:(

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** i Google translated pipers message im?? Hello??

**Kayla:** anyone else forget google translate is a thing

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** yes until right now bUT HELLO??

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** ...merde.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen** _ has left the conversation _ .

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** wait no pipes-

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez >> Piper Fuckin’ McQueen**

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** pipes im not mad

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Just tell me straight up how you feel, Leonidas.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** i genuinely like you

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** but i know you’re not really ready for a relationship right now

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** so i backed off

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** … Thank you for being so sweet, Leo.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** you mean the world to me, pipes, and whenever you feel ready, i’ll be here

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Piper said, "Hello, I am a thief. I am here to steal your heart."
> 
> Now, for the authors' words of wisdom.
> 
> "the end of this chapter might not make sense because i'm fucking tired from con" -Author Nico
> 
> "y'all ever had an ice cream sandwich cuz that shit is good" -Author Solace


	10. will: enraged

**Crying Over Apollo Kids**

**Moonlight** _ has changed the conversation name to _ **yas bitch**

**Moonlight:** percy screamed that so new convo name

**Moonlight:** also im dumb and i almost fell out of the car

**Sunshine Boy!:** I was very concerned.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** How did you almost fall out of the car?

**Kayla:** spill the tea

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** were you sitting there with the door open because i doubt ur bf would let you

**Moonlight:** the door was unlocked and we turned a corner and there i went

**Artreemis:** dont die

**Sunshine Boy!:** Great addition, Thalia.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** oh yeah guys

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** so i may or not have asked pipes on a date

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** she said yes

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** im sobbing

**Kayla:** my job here is done

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** But you didn’t do anything.

**Kayla** _ has left the conversation. _

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** real tea though, i’m still gonna get pipes and kayla together

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** who’s helping me wingman

**Artreemis:** yeah sure

**Artreemis:** also i realized that i forgot why we’re on a quest for like three days

**Moonlight:** big mood

**Moonlight:** but im scared like

**Moonlight:** nobody talk to me for like two hours unless you’re will solace, son of apollo, im having a Day

**Dead inside:** Don’t talk to me unless you’re Thalia Grace, daughter of Poseidon.

**Sunshine Boy!:** … I’ll text everyone when they’re feeling better.

**Thalia Why:** Wait, where are you guys even headed?

**Artreemis:** mountains

**Sunshine Boy!:** I think I know the name of where we’re headed, but I don’t want to say for sure until we’re there.

**Artreemis:** theyre mountains

**Artreemis:** gods will let me be cryptic

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** the gods are letting you be cryptic

**Artreemis:** *dabs*

**fuck**

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I’m gonna scream about this here even though he’s in the chat, but Leo asked me on a date. That is all.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** and then we asked kayla on the date with us

**Kayla:** *whips*

**Austin:** So  _ that’s _ why you were smiling so much this morning, Kay.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** uwu

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** anyways yeah we’re going out of camp for lunch then coming back and watching some movies and cuddling

**Kayla:** hey this is off topic but i miss will

**Kayla:** will come home challenge

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen** _ has added  _ **Sunshine Boy!** _ to the conversation. _

**Kayla:** WILL COME FUCKING HOME CHALLENGE

**Sunshine Boy!:** We’re in a cave, what do you need?

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** How do you have signal?

**Sunshine Boy!:** we don’t.

**Sunshine Boy!:** i’m the reason they have service hewwo -hermes

**yas bitch**

**Artreemis:** oh yeah we figured what the fuck that altar sacrifice was about

**Artreemis:** the compass mcbroke

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** What was it about?

**Dead inside:** Will and I don’t know what’s going on, it’s like Percy, Thalia and my brother got a sixth sense.

**Moonlight:** we split off in groups but,, will and i got lost from the other three

**Moonlight:** hermes doesn’t really know his way around so he cant be like oh yeah go this way

**Moonlight:** so in short: im scared and we have no idea where we are

**(ง •̀_•́):** Maybe just try and find the middle of the area you’re in.

**poseidon’s bitch:** why is ares being nice to us

**(ง •̀_•́):** I will pulverize you, punk.

**Artreemis:** punk is good you guys are just mean

**Moonlight:** yeah,,, will and i are gonna split up and try to find the middle, ill hopefully find him in five minutes

**(ง •̀_•́):** You’d better.

**Dead inside:** ares why arent you on olympus -hermes

**(ง •̀_•́):** I came down to see Clarisse, I’ll be back by sundown.

**Dead inside:** mkay -hermes

_ An hour later... _

**Moonlight:** im never doing a quest again

**Moonlight:** never. Again.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** What happened?

**Sunshine Boy!:** Ares was here. He put some mind altering shit on me, and I was forced to fight Nico.

**Moonlight:** we’re both okay, i’m just fucking shaken up  _ again _

**Artreemis:** hey zeus where is ares and can i fucking fight him right now -hermes

**Lightning Thot:** He’s back in Olympus. Hera and I are dealing with him now.

**Artreemis:** but can i fight him -hermes

**Lightning Thot:** Yes, but make sure the kids can keep in touch for a bit first. I’ll make sure you get to fight him as well.

**Artreemis:** k -hermes

**Artreemis:** he actually gave my phone back so fucking like

**Artreemis:** is there a line to fight ares

**Lightning Thot:** Yes.

**Underworld Thot:** Nico, are you alright?

**Moonlight:** im fine

**Underworld Thot:** That’s good.

**Artemis:** Will, are you hurt?

**Sunshine Boy!:** My scratches aren’t as bad as Nico’s were, I’ll be fine.

**poseidon’s bitch:** hey guys?? is apollo in the middle with you or anything

**Sunshine Boy!:** Well… Not exactly.  _ Lester _ is with us. That’s how he got bound up and captured.

**Moonlight:** he got tangled in a trap set by ares that weakened him enough to go to his human form

**Moonlight:** he’s okay but ares said fuck being scolded by zeus and hera and came back down, we kinda need you guys

**(ง •̀_•́):** I have no idea what you’re talking about.

**Moonlight:** poof

**Moonlight:** ur a lil bitch

**poseidon’s bitch:** we’re almost to the center, we’ll be there shortly

**(ง •̀_•́):** If you want death that much, fine. I’ll be waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Utah will still be fucking weed” -Cryptid Annabeth
> 
> "don't do school, stay in drugs, eat your vegetables" -Cryptid Leo
> 
> "nico said fuck con, go home and work on fic" -Author Nico
> 
> "solace said fuck studying for exams, work on fic" -Author Solace


	11. heart: broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The authors highly recommend you have a box of tissues on hand, especially if you like Adriana/Bianca.
> 
> Also Author Nico wrote this entire chapter while Author Solace cried in the background. (I was emotionally compromised in multiple ways -Author Solace)

**Lightning Thot** _ has added  _ **Water Thot, Underworld Thot, Wise Bitch, Goddess of Love, Artemis, Wise Bitch 2.0, Grover (´ ∀ ` *), Leo Fuckin’ Valdez, Piper Fuckin’ McQueen, Thalia Why, Kayla, Austin, Hazelnut,** _ and  _ **Water Legacy** _ to  _ **We Have a Problem**

**Lightning Thot:** Everyone, we have a very serious situation on our hands.

**Lightning Thot:** So, Ares is no longer on Olympus, he’s in the Cave of Memories with the demigods on the quest. They’re currently in battle, and I’m not sure if any of us can stop it because interfering with prophecies is… not dangerous, but it’s not good to do so. The last line of the current prophecy is, “And light and dark's union make the ultimate sacrifice” and it’s about time for it to happen.

**Lightning Thot:** Now, I’m not… entirely sure what’s going to happen, as Apollo is the god of oracles and isn’t here now, so I will try and keep everyone here in the loop.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** so like. are they okay??

**Lightning Thot:** With all five of them fighting, yes. Apollo is attempting to recharge his energy to help them, but it will take a few more minutes.

**Artemis:** Zeus, am I allowed to go out and help them while my brother regains his energy?

**Lightning Thot:** No, Artemis. I’m sorry.

**Artemis:** It’s quite alright.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Is Percy okay?

**Hazelnut:** Are Nico and Bianca okay?

**Kayla:** Is my brother okay?

**Austin:** Is Will okay?

**Thalia Why:** Is Thalia okay?

**Lightning Thot:** Slow down. They’re all fine, Bianca and Will are doing their best to heal everyone as well as fight. Nico, Percy and Thalia are weakened from the altar sacrifice, as it was one of Ares’ altars, he meant for this to happen.

**Goddess of Love:** When everybody gets back, they can explain better than any of us can.

**Water Thot:** While everyone else is typing here, I’m going to make sure Artemis is able to calm down from her panic attack, and try to inform Sally that Percy is alright once the battle is over…

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Alright… Jason and I are going to be on standby, we’ll let you know when Percy and Thalia return our messages. ‘

**Wise Bitch 2.0 >> poseidon’s bitch**

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Percy, I know you’re in battle, but once you get these please respond.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’m so fucking worried about you it’s not even funny anymore.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** You know I love you, no matter how many comments I make about you being the dumbest person I’ve ever met.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I know you’ll come back, but all of this terrifies me.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’ve never met someone who means as much to me as you do.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I love you, Perseus Jackson, and the moment you get back to camp we can talk about those wedding dreams of yours, because there is no way in hell I would want to leave you.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’m so proud of you.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Come home safe, Seaweed Brain.

**Thalia Why >> Artreemis**

**Thalia Why:** Thals, please come back safely.

**Thalia Why:** I may say that you annoy me more than anyone, but I’ve never meant a single word I’ve said like that.

**Thalia Why:** You’re my sister. You’re one of, if not the most important person in my life.

**Thalia Why:** I love you so much, sis, please stay safe… I’m so proud of you, Thalia.

**poseidon’s bitch >> Wise Bitch 2.0**

**poseidon’s bitch:** I’m safe, Wise Girl. I love you so much.

**poseidon’s bitch:** When I get back to camp with the others, I’m going to you first. I miss you so much, and I’m so down to talking about those wedding plans.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’m so happy you’re safe… I love you, you idiot.

**poseidon’s bitch:** I love you too, dummy. I’ll text you while Apollo drives us back, okay? I’ll see you later tonight. <3

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’ll see you tonight. <3

**Artreemis >> Thalia Why**

**Artreemis:** Love you, bro. We’re on our way home now.

**Thalia Why:** I’m glad you’re safe, Thals.

**Artreemis:** Yeah, yeah.

**Artreemis:** … I miss you a lot. There’s a lot happening, so I’ll message you once we’re in the car, okay? Don’t fuck up my cabin before I get back.

**Thalia Why:** Whatever, I’ll mess it up right now. I’ll talk to you in a few.

**yas bitch**

**Sunshine Boy!:** Just as we start heading out, Mnemosyne comes crawling out of the shadows.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Just as we almost get out here happy and alive, she comes out and needed to talk to Nico and Bianca privately. This is greeeat.

**poseidon’s bitch:** when it’s mnemosyne, it’s no bueno

**Sunshine Boy!:** We can still see them, so it’s not really “private,” but Nico is nearly in tears…

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** do you think shes

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** yknow

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** snatching someones memories

**Sunshine Boy!:** Yes, and I think it’s Bianca’s.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Hold on, she’s gonna let them tell us…

**Dead inside:** She wants all of my memories of being Bianca.

**Moonlight:** and i have to be there to witness all of it

**Dead inside:** I’m… sorry to those of you who may mainly remember me as Bianca.

**Dead inside:** Especially you, Nico.

**Moonlight:** let’s just,,, get this over with

**Dead inside:** Yeah… Goodbye, everyone, I’ll have the same memories but… without my knowledge of being Bianca. I love each and every one of you. Thank you.

**Sunshine Boy!:** We’re being told to leave the cave… Nico and Adriana will be with us shortly.

_ Ten minutes later… _

**the literal fucking sun:** HEY BITCHES

**Sunshine Boy!:** Welcome back, dad.

**the literal fucking sun:** im driving the kids home now so see y’all in a bit

**poseidon’s bitch >> Moonlight**

**poseidon’s bitch:** You okay?

**poseidon’s bitch:** I know you’re hurting, but…

**Moonlight:** Yeah… Yeah, I’m just shaken. I still know she was my sister, and I’m just having a time.

**Moonlight:** I just need some time. Thank you for checking in, though.

**poseidon’s bitch:** Of course, get some rest, okay? I’ll wake you up when we get back to CHB.

**Moonlight:** Okay… Thanks, Percy.

**Artemis >> the literal fucking sun**

**Artemis:** It’s great to have you back, dumbass.

**the literal fucking sun:** it’s great to be back

**the literal fucking sun:** i missed you

**Artemis:** I missed you too. Are you feeling okay?

**the literal fucking sun:** yeah,, there’s a lot i need to talk to you and zeus about though

**the literal fucking sun:** it’s gotta do with why bianca’s memories were taken and… a bigger picture

**Artemis:** I’ll be waiting for you, then. 

**the literal fucking sun:** I love you, MoonMoon.

**Artemis:** I love you too, SunSun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Will: Enraged  
> Heart: Broken  
> Dick: Out  
> I am forcibly removed from the chat" -Cryptid Leo
> 
> "Nico: Crying  
> Bianca: Gone  
> Hotel Trivago  
> I am forcibly removed from the document" -Author Nico
> 
> "guys im not fucking fine after this chapter" -Author Solace


	12. dick: out

**yas bitch**

**Artreemis:** guys im gonna kill jason

**Artreemis:** i told him not to fuck up my cabin

**Artreemis:** and guess what the asshole does

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** He fucked up your cabin?

**Artreemis:** bingo

**Artreemis:** hole in one

**Artreemis:** have a cookie

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** i notice that we’re down a few gays and heterosexuals

**Artreemis:** percy beelined to the athena cabin

**Artreemis:** the other gays beelined to the hades cabin

**Artreemis:** so adriana and i were just like

**Artreemis:** guess we’ll die

**Moonlight:** don’t you have a date

**Artreemis:** hey adriana wanna go for those coffees now

**Dead inside:** Sure!

**Artreemis:** now you guys are gonna have to deal with no gays bye

**poseidon’s bitch >> Wise Bitch 2.0**

**poseidon’s bitch:** so wedding plans

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Wedding plans.

**poseidon’s bitch:** i dont know what to do now

**poseidon’s bitch:** i didnt think we’d get this far

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Okay, what do you want headcount wise? It can be a big or small wedding, I don’t mind.

**poseidon’s bitch:** uh maybe a small wedding’

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Alright, that’s perfectly fine. Maybe just your mom and Paul, my family and a few friends?

**poseidon’s bitch:** thalia would stab us if we didn’t invite her

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** True, true. My father would be upset if I didn’t invite him, or else I wouldn’t.

**poseidon’s bitch:** i love your dad but your stepmom scares me

**poseidon’s bitch:** wait are my inviting my dad and ur mom

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** They would kill each other at the wedding, Percy.

**poseidon’s bitch:** they’d sit on opposite sides of the venue there

**poseidon’s bitch:** plus i think its common courtesy to not murder someone at your kids wedding

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** My mother will probably still  _ want  _ to kill him, but y’know, it’s fine.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Let me guess, you’re going to want a venue near water?

**poseidon’s bitch:** how’d you know

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Just a guess.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** … I know I say no about weddings a lot, because we aren’t even eighteen yet, but I truly do love you, Percy. I hope you know that.

**poseidon’s bitch:** aww i love you too wise girl

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Anyways… Thank you for being so supportive. You’re the best, Seaweed Brain.

**poseidon’s bitch:** no u

**poseidon’s bitch:** but in all seriousness ur welcome and thanks

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Once I finish up my rounds, do you wanna just relax and watch some movies?

**poseidon’s bitch:** yes of course

**Lightning Thot >> Artreemis**

**Lightning Thot:** Thalia, we need to have a talk.

**Artreemis:** hang on let me finish strangling jason

_ Thirty seconds later... _

**Artreemis:** ok whats up

**Lightning Thot:** Please don’t strangle your brother, Thalia.

**Lightning Thot:** Now, I get that it’s a running joke between you, your friends, and the other gods, but the fact you keep saying Poseidon is your father, almost… hurts?

**Artreemis:** dad thats called having emotions

**Lightning Thot:** I know, I know. I despise them.

**Artreemis:** unfortunate

**Lightning Thot:** But, it truly is sort of hurtful, and I know you mean no harm by it, but it still does.

**Artreemis:** i mean. ill stop doing it but youre gonna have to meet me halfway here

**Lightning Thot:** How so?

**Artreemis:** name one thing you’ve done for me

**Artreemis:** aside from turning me into a tree

**Artreemis:** like i appreciate not dying but also being a tree fucking sucks dad

**Lightning Thot:** Not as much as I could have, and I’m still sorry about that.

**Artreemis:** i dont hate you but like. look at percy. look at his family.

**Artreemis:** do i need to say more

**Lightning Thot:** … I’ll work on things, Thalia. I’ll make more time for you.

**Artreemis:** Thanks, dad.

**Lightning Thot:** Of course, Thalia. Go have fun with your girlfriend, alright?

**Artreemis:** she isNT MY GIRLFRIEND DAD

**Moonlight >> Sunshine Boy!**

**Moonlight:** wiiiiill, finish in the infirmary, i miss you

**Sunshine Boy!:** Nico, you saw me three hours ago.

**Moonlight:** but i’m bored and i miss you

**Sunshine Boy!:** I miss you too but nobody at this camp has any sense of self-preservation.

**Moonlight:** okay u right

**Moonlight:** are you gonna be free in a little bit, then? the suns going down and i wanna stargaze with you

**Sunshine Boy!:** Barring sudden, expected severe injury, yes.

**Moonlight:** uwu

**Moonlight:** its been a while since we were able to stargaze and i missed it so

**Sunshine Boy!:** I missed just being able to spend nonlife-threatening time with you.

**Moonlight:** same here, sunshine

**Moonlight:** can i fake an injury and go see you smh

**Sunshine Boy!:** Nico.

**Moonlight:** you made up a bullshit excuse to visit hell when i went to see my dad for like two hours

**Sunshine Boy!:** That was different!

**Moonlight:** how so?

**Sunshine Boy!:** I…

**Sunshine Boy!:** Oh would you look at that Kayla just yelled she has things under control and I can come see you now.

**Moonlight:** :D

**Sunshine Boy!:** Cute.

**yas bitch**

**Moonlight:** will and i were stargazing and uh

**Moonlight:** ares fucking FLEW

**Thalia Why:** Thalia started choking. You killed my sister.

**Moonlight:** im not even joking

**Moonlight:** he just. yeeted across the sky

**poseidon’s bitch:** he crashed in the stream

**poseidon’s bitch:** i beat his ass with water

**Artreemis:** im sobbing thanks dad

**Lightning Thot:** Of course, Thalia.

**the literal fucking sun:** how does it Feel

**(ง •̀_•́):** Shut the fuck up, Apollo.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** welp partys over guys no-fun ares is in the chat

**Lightning Thot:** You mean Alastor.

**the literal fucking sun:** w h e e z e

**(ง •̀_•́):** Shut up, your name means fucking Roman town or walled city!

**the literal fucking sun:** at least dad loves me :tea:

**Artreemis:** im his favourite kid tho

**Thalia Why:** I beg to differ.

**Wise Bitch:** I believe it’s me.

**Apollo Leave:** Now, now, girls, you’re all pretty.

**Apollo Leave:** But, it’s me.

**messenger boy:** i think it’s me

**Goddess of Love:** You’re wrong, it’s me.

**Hephaestus:** I’ll stay out of this.

**Underworld Thot:** I think it may be me. -Persephone

**Alcoholic:** You’re all delusional.

**Alcoholic:** It’s literally none of us.

**Lightning Thot:** It’s the twins and Thalia.

**No u:** YES BITCHES

**Artreemis:** HA suck it jason

**Thalia Why:** Shush.

**Apollo Leave:** I’m honoured to know I’m a favorite.

**Wise Bitch:** Guess I’ll throw myself off of Olympus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “The crust prophecy” -Cryptid Annabeth  
> “If I remove my left ear-” -Cryptid Annabeth
> 
> "am sick, please save me" -Author Nico
> 
> "Mom yelled at me to take a bath during this but I am a being that runs purely on spite and rage." -Author Solace


	13. i am forcibly removed from the conversation

**yas bitch**

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** hey guys

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** there’s like three new ares campers

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** why 

**(ง •̀_•́):** None of your business.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** your kids are assholes

**poseidon’s bitch:** its ARES

**Moonlight:** you mean alastor.

**(ง •̀_•́):** Shut the fuck up.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** WE FROGOT TO ADD PIPER

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez** _ has added  _ **Piper Fuckin’ McQueen** _ to the conversation. _

**Sunshine Boy!:** Anyways… Nico and I were hanging out with Percabeth, right? I swear to you that Annabeth had a fucking ring besides her promise ring on, but that’s tea.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** :eyes:

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Spill that tea, Annabeth.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** There’s no tea.

**Dead inside:** Then why did you have another ring?

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** No reason.

**poseidon’s bitch:** :shrug:

**Dead inside:** Percy, contributing to this discussion makes it more suspicious, not less.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** We’ll tell you all later, okay?

**Dead inside:** Okay.

**Artreemis:** anymore tea to spill anyone

**(ง •̀_•́)** _ has added  _ **Drakon Slayer** _ to the conversation. _

**Drakon Slayer:** Dad doesn’t love me anymore.

**Thalia Why:** Your dad literally added you to this conversation.

**Drakon Slayer:** Shut up! He’s more interested in the newbies!

**Dead inside:** You really are his daughter.

**Drakon Slayer:** What are you getting at, newbie?

**poseidon’s bitch:** shes been on a quest

**Drakon Slayer:** So? Not like that’s anything special in  _ your  _ friend group.

**poseidon’s bitch:** what about the fact that a lot of us were in the prophecy of seven? :tea:

**Drakon Slayer:** Fuck off.

**poseidon’s bitch:** no u

**Moonlight:** my friends within the prophecy of seven + will, adriana, grover and thalia > ur entire cabin

**Drakon Slayer:** Oh, it is  _ on. _

**Moonlight:** im the son of death

**Moonlight:** literally dont come near me ill have skeletons on your ass in two seconds

**Drakon Slayer:** I bet you can’t beat me without them.

**Moonlight:** lmao you think im scared of you??

**Moonlight:** meet me in the pit coward

**Sunshine Boy!:** How about we don’t?

**Moonlight:** >:(

**Drakon Slayer:** Fine, but don’t think this is over, di Angelo!

**Moonlight:** lol k

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** Hey gang let’s not fight. :(

**poseidon’s bitch:** we made grover sad abandon fight

**(ง •̀_•́):** Who are you to tell my daughter what to do?

**Lightning Thot:** I’m telling all of you to simmer down. Alastor, behave, or you’re stuck with the mortals, and not the demigods whatsoever.

**(ง •̀_•́):** …

**the literal fucking sun:** what’s poppin lgbts

**Lightning Thot:** Good morning to you too, Apollo.

**the literal fucking sun:** :D hi dad 

**Apollo Leave:** Why are you like this?

**No u:** its the bisexual twink in me

**Apollo Leave:** You’re so far from a twink.

**No u:** oh worm?

**Apollo Leave:** You’re the mix of a twink, and something even more twink-like that isn’t on the scale.

**Artreemis:** mom do you accept unofficial hunters in the Official Group Chat™

**poseidon’s bitch:** wait the hunters have a chat

**Apollo Leave:** Of course, as long as they don’t cause trouble.

**No u:** im gonna cause havoc in the chat lol

**Apollo Leave:** Do that, and I’ll have our father throw you down from Olympus  _ again _ .

**Artreemis:** k im adding my girlfriend

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Wait, is it official?

**Artreemis:** lolno

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** its basically as official as we are pipes

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Ah, so FWB.

**Artreemis:** no

**Artreemis:** we’ve only gone out for coffees you filthy heathens

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** and pipes and i have only had movie dates so far, your point

**Artreemis:** you’re childhood friends

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** You right.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Hey, Piper. Remember that time you didn’t know Jason’s last name?

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** We don’t discuss that.

**Thalia Why:** That was funny, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

**Artreemis:** hey jason whats our last name

**Thalia Why:** I dunno, ask Pipes.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** It’s Grace, get off my dick.

**poseidon’s bitch:** can’t believe we have three graces in the chat

**Thalia Why:** Adriana Grace.

**Dead inside:** Listen-

**poseidon’s bitch:** annabeth jackson

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I hear my mom calling.

**Artreemis:** ok but the gays

**Artreemis:** im inclined to say william di angelo but like

**Artreemis:** idk

**Sunshine Boy!:** I think Nico Solace sounds better. :tea:

**Moonlight:** shush

**Artreemis:** guys how do you combine three last names

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** leonidas mclean-knowles

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** We joked that if we weren’t married at the age of 25 that we would get married and Leo would take my last name, so now we add Kayla’s to that.

**poseidon’s bitch:** then theres my dad and apollo

**poseidon’s bitch:** poseidon papadopoulos

**Water Thot:** Percy, gods don’t have last names.

**the literal fucking sun:** we do now

**Water Thot:** Apollo, no.

**the literal fucking sun:** whats up lgbts

**Water Thot:** This is the man I’m going to marry.

**poseidon’s bitch:** are you two still gonna sleep with everyone in sight

**Water Thot:** Probably.

**the literal fucking sun:** yeah

**Water Thot:** I still love him.

**the literal fucking sun:** mwah

**Wise Bitch:** Send help, Apollo and Poseidon are making out.

**poseidon’s bitch:** hey annabeth

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** No.

**the literal fucking sun:** ooooo r e j e c t e d

**Water Thot:** Sunshine, focus back here.

**Moonlight:** yall ugly 

**Moonlight:** im gonna go see my dad and persephone bye

**Sunshine Boy!:** He literally just got up and went to hell. 

**Underworld Thot:** whats up fuckers

**Sunshine Boy!:** My boyfriend, who was presumed dead, texted me this.

**Underworld Thot:** quit telling everyone i’m dead!

**Sunshine Boy!:** Sometimes I can still hear his voice.

**the literal fucking sun:** cant believe my son found his perfect match

**Moonlight:** dad noticed i stole his phone smh.

**Underworld Thot:** As Nico enjoys saying, I’m so sorry class.

**poseidon’s bitch:** W H E E Z E 

**Moonlight:** i’m so sorry lgbts

**Artreemis:** dad take notes, this is how you interact with me and jason

**Lightning Thot:** Noted.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Instead of Keeping up with the Kardashians, it’s Keeping up with the Graces ft. Hera (nasty).

**Artreemis:** hera? don’t know her

**Artreemis:** artemis is my wholeass mom

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I was going to make a joke, but my mom would actually disown me.

**Wise Bitch:** No, no, say it.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Can’t believe Hera is my whole mom.

**Wise Bitch:** Ew.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I know.

**Artreemis:** dad can i disown hera as my stepmom

**Lightning Thot:** Thalia, no.

**Artreemis:** ok but real talk, zeus is my dadfather, artemis is my mom

**Artreemis:** but if i could choose my stepdad, apollo

**the literal fucking sun:** sorry, im fucking the sea bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "why did i join a human mickey mouse au group" -Author Nico
> 
> “Can’t believe Will’s a wholeass plant then, bc Nico’s his god” -Author Solace
> 
> "nip and wae wae" -Cryptid Annabeth


	14. thalia invites a god and a horse on a quest

**yas bitch**

**Artreemis:** good morning lgbts

**Artreemis:** can i say something radical

**poseidon’s bitch:** sure

**Artreemis:** i love adriana but like

**Artreemis:** i miss luke

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Oh, same.

**Artreemis** : finna go the underworld and drag his ass back up here

**Moonlight:** my dad’s gonna be really confused

**Artreemis:** why

**Moonlight:** just

**Moonlight:** “hey aren’t you immortal??”

**Artreemis:** lmao

**Artreemis:** ill just be like “yeah bye lol”

**Moonlight:** ill go with you tbh

**poseidon’s bitch:** bring luke home

**Artreemis:** all in favour of becoming the only people to bring someone back from the dead say yeehaw

**Moonlight:** y

**Moonlight:** i dropped my phone on my face

**poseidon’s bitch:** me too

**poseidon’s bitch:** also yeehaw

**Sunshine Boy!:** Yeehaw, I just wanna go see my father-in-law.

**poseidon’s bitch:** :tea:

**Artreemis:** annabeth wanna help me rescue ur dad

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** See, I would say yes, but my siblings are being rowdy.

**Artreemis:** :(

**Artreemis:** grover?

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** Sure!

**Artreemis:** finna go ask chiron for a quest

**Dead inside:** I just woke up, what’s going on?

**Artreemis:** you wanna go to the underworld

**Dead inside:** Not really?

**Artreemis:** :thumbsup: thought so

**Artreemis:** im dragging some others to the underworld to bring back my dead ex

**Artreemis:** like you own my heart,  é rotas mou, i just miss him

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** honestly that was so sweet and gay

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez >> Piper Fuckin’ McQueen**

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** pipes i love you

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I love you too. What did you do?

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** spilled lipstick in your valentino bag

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** My  _ Valentino White Bag _ ?

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** piper please dont kill me

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** How did you even get lipstick in my bag?

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** i was messing around with your kylie lip kits

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** please spare me

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I will, I will, but don’t do it again, okay? <3

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** you’re terrifying <3

**yas bitch**

**poseidon’s bitch** _ has changed the conversation name to _ **the snacc that smiles bacc**

**Sunshine Boy!:** Goldfish!

**Moonlight:** i want a refund on my boyfriend

**Thalia Why:** Thalia didn’t type it but she yelled it. I want a refund on my  _ sister. _

**Water Thot:** I want a refund on my son.

**poseidon’s bitch:** i want a refund on your son too

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Percy, no.

**Wise Bitch 2.0** _ has added  _ **Sally Jackson** _ to the conversation. _

**poseidon’s bitch:** Hello, mom!

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** hello, ms. jackson we love you in this chat

**Water Thot:** Hello, Sally.

**Sally Jackson:** Oh, hello! Apologies if I’m not quite as active as anyone would hope for me to be, I’m busy working on some things over here!

**poseidon’s bitch:** that’s fine

**Artreemis:**

**Artreemis:** so i talked to chiron about letting us all go to the underworld

**Sally Jackson:** If Percy was planning to go on this trip to the Underworld, I don’t think I can allow him to do so.

**poseidon’s bitch:** :( please?

**Sally Jackson:** No.

**Artreemis:** i mean

**Artreemis:** chiron also said no BUT

**Artreemis:** rachel overheard and she was like

**Artreemis:** “yo thalia lemme whisper this prophecy in yo ear”

**Artreemis:** it was just

**Artreemis:** “Five shall go down to the depths of hell,”

**Artreemis:** “To find a hero thought to have bidden his last farewell.”

**Artreemis:** so technically we need another bitch

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Percy’s the head counsellor of the Athena cabin until further notice.

**poseidon’s bitch:** that is most unwise decision you’ve made in your entire life wise girl

**poseidon’s bitch:** wait im head counsellor of two cabins now

**poseidon’s bitch:** fuck

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Isn’t the Poseidon cabin just you?

**poseidon’s bitch:** yes piper i am not easy to manage

**Water Thot:** I would give you more siblings, but I legally cannot.

**poseidon’s bitch:** you already have one illegal child

**poseidon’s bitch:** adopt a kid let me have a sibling besides tyson

**poseidon’s bitch:** _ a demigod sibling dad please im begging you im so bored in my cabin _

**poseidon’s bitch:** fuck my mom again  _ i dont care _

**Sally Jackson:** I’m… still here.

**poseidon’s bitch:** KJSDBGKJSHKSDGKSGB FUCK

**Sally Jackson:** Language!

**poseidon’s bitch:** gonna go delete myself

**poseidon’s bitch** _ has left the conversation. _

**Water Thot:** …I question our son, Sally.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** We all question your son, Lord Poseidon.

**Wise Bitch 2.0** _ has added  _ **poseidon’s bitch** _ to the conversation _ .

**poseidon’s bitch:** im crying to some random fish leave me alone annabeth gods

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’m your  _ fiancée _ .

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Wait fuck

**Sunshine Boy!:** _I knew it._

**Wise Bitch 2.0** _ has left the conversation _ .

**Water Thot** _ has added  _ **Wise Bitch 2.0** _ to the conversation. _

**Water Thot:** When did my son propose?

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** After he got back from the quest.

**poseidon’s bitch:** yeah that shit was wild and i nearly died

**poseidon’s bitch:** again

**poseidon’s bitch:** multiple times

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Yes, and you proposed to me the second you got back.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** aww

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Also, Kayla has been salty at me all day, I’m adding her so you can see this.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen** _has added_ **Kayla** _to the conversation._

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Kayla.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Kay.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Sun girl.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I’m sorry.

**Kayla:** sorry won’t bring back my fucking skittles mclean

**Kayla:** MY FUCKING SKITTLES PIPER

**Thalia Why:** Oh, you have that problem too?

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Jason, I stole your sweaters when we were dating, not your Skittles.

**Sunshine Boy!:** The only thing Kayla loves more than Piper is her Skittles. Piper, you have made a fatal error.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Listen, I don’t follow the rules, I fucking Make Them.

**Kayla:** D:< buy me my skittles

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I have two dollars to my name.

**Kayla:** cant believe piper has to work at mcdonalds now to pay me back for my fuCKING SKITTLES

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** pipes just fucking deleted herself and fell off my bed im shaking -leo

**Kayla:** ill forgive her this once bc shes cute

**Kayla:** but if she does it again :knife emoji: i will destroy her in capture the flag

**poseidon’s bitch:** anyone else forget kay’s in her emo phase

**Sunshine Boy!:** No.

**Kayla:** ill be mourning my skittles while welcome to the black parade plays in the bg if anyone needs me

**Kayla** _ has left the conversation. _

**Artreemis:** ...i just had a genius idea

**poseidon’s bitch:** your genius ideas are scary so stop right there

**Artreemis:** so percy cant go to the underworld bc his mom said no right

**Artreemis:** what if we bring kayla instead

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** You realize Kayla would probably delete herself in the Underworld, right?

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** our girlfriend is a mess

**Artreemis:** aw

**Artreemis:** ...hey lord poseidon-

**Water Thot:** No.

**Artreemis:** percy can i invite your horse

**poseidon’s bitch:** dont touch blackjack or ill touch you with riptide

**Dead inside:** Please don’t… hurt my not-girlfriend…

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** not-girlfriend??

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** You called me your not-babe for two weeks before we started dating, Valdez.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** _ nobody here knew that except you _

**poseidon’s bitch:** does that mean they’re gonna start dating in two weeks

**Artreemis:**

**Artreemis >> Dead inside**

**Artreemis:** Hey Adriana, wanna go out with me?

**Dead inside:** Sure.

**Artreemis:** :D

**Artreemis:** I was going to ask you out anyway but I’m a petty bitch and can’t let Liper win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I didn’t know you had a semicolon kink” -Author Solace
> 
> "I think I'm falling for somebody help" -Author Nico


	15. it all started with one phone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors highly recommend you have tissues on hand for this chapter. Also, double update!

**the snacc that smiles bacc**

**Artreemis:** guys i have a girlfriend now

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** FUCK

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** We were winning over here.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** we still win in terms of poly -kayla

**Artreemis:** that part wasn’t a competition piper don’t go changing the rules smh

**Thalia Why:** Well, Nico, Annabeth, Percy, Will, Grover, and Apollo owe me money now.

**Moonlight:** i’d rather suck dick than give you money

**Sunshine Boy!:** We know, Babe.

**Thalia Why:** We literally made a bet on this. You lost. Pay up.

**poseidon’s bitch:** are we just not acknowledging the fact that will said “we know”

**Artreemis:** is he  _ wrong _

**Artreemis:** oh wait i know who our fifth quest bitch can be

**Moonlight:** who

**Artreemis:** dad can you legally contract alastor to come with us

**Lightning Thot:** Yeah.

**(ง •̀_•́):** I didn’t consent to babysitting a bunch of suicidal teenagers.

**Moonlight:** i dont wanna die anymore

**Moonlight:** my dad probably wouldnt let me anyways

**(ง •̀_•́):** Do not make me do this.

**(ง •̀_•́):** Clarisse could go in my place. I’m sure she’d love it.

**Drakon Slayer:** Can I?

**Artreemis:** sure i guess

**Artreemis:** so me, nico, will, annabeth, grover and clarisse

**Artreemis:** hang on when did we get six

**Artreemis:** ...okay gang! who’s ready to laugh in the face of a prophecy

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Nope, I’m backing down. Apollo would probably murder us for fucking with a prophecy from his “favorite oracle.”

**the literal fucking sun:** yeah someone back down or ill burn you

**Artreemis:** apollo

**Artreemis:** i beg you

**Artreemis:** please read what annabeth just said

**Artreemis:** anyway everyone else get your shit ready

**Artreemis** _ has added  _ **Drakon Slayer, Moonlight, Sunshine Boy!** _ and  _ **Grover (´ ∀ ` *)** _ to  _ **Quest Bitches 2: Electric Boogaloo.**

**Artreemis:** how long until clarisse kills one of us

**Moonlight:** ill kill myself first

**Sunshine Boy!:** Nico!

**Moonlight:** kidding, sunshine

**Drakon Slayer:** If you aren’t stupid, I won’t kill you. That’s how this works.

**Moonlight:** well im dumb as fuck so guess im going **_home_**

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** ;; i immediately regret this decision

**Artreemis:** nico we’re going to your home already

**Moonlight:** yeah, and im a fucking king there so :sleepy:

**Moonlight:** discord why is it called fucking SLEEPY

**Artreemis:** do you have a palace of your own yet or do you just rent your dads

**Moonlight:** palace of my own babye

**Moonlight:** so if yall dont behave i can banish you

**Artreemis:** pics or it doesnt exist

**Moonlight:** _ we’re going to it _

**Underworld Thot:** It’s where Luke hangs around the most.

**Moonlight:** tell him not to touch my throne or ill touch him with anduril

**Sunshine Boy!:** Why did you name your sword?

**Moonlight:** because i can

**Artreemis:** dad why cant i have a palace smh

**Artreemis:** if you’re a king i’m a princess so why

**Lightning Thot:** I’ll make one for you and your brother.

**Artreemis:** jason gets a tiny room in it

**Lightning Thot:** Thalia Grace.

**Moonlight:** listen at least you dont have a skeleton army

**Moonlight:** they take up a lot of my palace space

**Drakon Slayer:** Enough about palaces and shit. Can we go?

**Sunshine Boy!:** Yeah!

**Sunshine Boy!:** I’m scared to see my father-in-law, but yeah!

**the snacc that smiles bacc**

**Artreemis:** hey guess what

**poseidon’s bitch:** what

**Artreemis:** the resident royalty are finally getting a palace

**Moonlight:** our dads are kings

**Moonlight:** what did you get perseus jackson

**poseidon’s bitch:** dad PLEASE tell me you’re the king of the sea and that’s your official title

**Water Thot:** Can’t help you there. :shrug:

**poseidon’s bitch:** but my girlfriend is a princess

**Dead inside:** Um, last I checked, Athena’s not a queen.

**poseidon’s bitch:** did i fucking stutter

**Water Thot:** Zeus, brother o’ mine, can we change my title to King of the Spa?

**Water Thot:** SEA, FUCK,

**Lightning Thot:** Yes, but I’ll tease you with King of the Spa for years to come.

**poseidon’s bitch:** :D annabae you’re gonna be a princess

**poseidon’s bitch:** you’re marrying a prince

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** You’re already a prince in my eyes.

**poseidon’s bitch:** is ur mom gonna kill u now that ur gonna be the princess of the sea

**Wise Bitch:** No, I’m just disappointed.

**poseidon’s bitch:** i didnt ask to be poseidon’s son

**poseidon’s bitch:** (love you dad mwah)

**Sally Jackson:** Annabeth, do you have a wedding dress?

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Not yet, no. Piper and Hazel were going to go with me to find one, but we’ve all been really busy.

**Sally Jackson:** I could take you shopping for one.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’d love that, Ms. Jackson.

**Sally Jackson:** Annabeth, there’s no need to be formal. Sally is just fine.

**Artreemis:** annabeth do i get to be maid of honor

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** As much as I wanna jokingly say no, of course you get to.

**poseidon’s bitch:** jason

**poseidon’s bitch:** superman kin

**poseidon’s bitch:** my good bitch

**Thalia Why:** Yes?

**Poseidon’s bitch:** wanna be my best man

**Thalia Why:** Of course.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** grace power duo

**Artreemis:** nico is that your palace

**Moonlight:** hell yeah babye

**Sunshine Boy!:** His bed is beyond comfortable for something in the Underworld.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I was gonna say, “how would you know,” then realized you two go down there every two weeks to get away from camp.

**Artreemis:** guys is it weird and or creepy if i say i’ve been holding onto luke’s phone for around two years

**poseidon’s bitch:** expose his texts

**Artreemis:** “water bitch,” “anna,” “thals <3,” “emo kid percy picked up,” ‘that one bitch from the ares cabin,” “wine thot,” “chiron,” “silena how do i spell your last name,” and “bitch i call dad” are some of his contacts im wheezing

**Moonlight:** send the texts with percy u wont

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I was gonna ask why he has Dionysus and Chiron in his phone, then remembered Percy, Nico, Will and I do too because we’re head counsellors.

**Artreemis:** Hold on, Hermes sent him a text the day after he died?

**Moonlight:** ????? the fuck

**Artreemis:** It just says “I’m so sorry. I love you, Luke.”

**poseidon’s bitch:** i just started crying

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** He’s literally sobbing on my chest.

**Artreemis:** You guys wanna know the kicker?

**Artreemis:** It’s the only message Hermes sent. Before that, it’s just Luke. “Dad.” “Dad, please respond.” “Please, dad.” “Father, please say something.” So on so forth.

**Moonlight:** … Ouch.

**messenger boy:** I feel so fucking awful about it, but I literally never had my phone on me, and when I did, everything was buried by messages from gods.

**Artreemis:** I’ll… I’ll make sure he reads it, Lord Hermes.

**messenger boy:** Thank you, Thalia.

**messenger boy:** Sadly, I do have to get going… Be safe, alright?

**Artreemis:** Um, while I have his phone, I’m just gonna.

**Artreemis** _has added_ **––** _to the conversation._

**poseidon’s bitch:** that still haunts me

**poseidon’s bitch:** i literally went to message luke the day before he died, and that was all his discord name was

**Sunshine Boy!:** Thalia won’t look at any of us and her shoulders are shaking.

**Moonlight:** I’m… gonna pull her to the side for a little bit. If you need us, just spam my DMs.

**Artreemis:** I’m keeping my phone on silent right now, feel free to still use this chat.

**Moonlight >> Artreemis**

**Moonlight:** Hey, do you just wanna chill in the palace for a little bit?

**Artreemis:** Yes, please. Sorry, it just hit me that… that he… I just want to… gods, I’m a mess.

**Moonlight:** Hey, I get that… It’s not as severe as how it is with Luke, but my sister did come back from the dead.

**Moonlight:** It’s okay to be a mess over this, okay? We’re all here for you.

**Moonlight:** If you need a place to be alone, I can show you around a bit till we reach my room, nobody really goes near there.

**Artreemis:** Okay. Will you hold onto Luke’s phone for me? He’ll… he’ll be wanting it back.

**Moonlight:** For sure. C’mon, “pics or it didn’t happen,” my ass.

**Artreemis:** Haha. Alright, you win, “ghost king.”

**Artreemis:** I just have one more question that I’ve been wondering about.

**Moonlight:** What’s up?

**Artreemis:** How the  _ fuck  _ do we bring back Luke?

**Artreemis:** like i know that one dude whose name i can never spell nearly brought back his wife or whatever but like. How.

**Moonlight:** We basically talk to my dad, and he decides if they’re worthy or not.

**Moonlight:** My dad wants to make up for shit in the past, so he’ll let Luke slide, as long as he doesn’t start a war again.

**Artreemis:** If Luke ever feels the urge to start a war again I’d like to think he’d come to me and Annabeth this time and we can talk it out over milkshakes.

**Moonlight:** You and Luke were like Annabeth’s parents back when she was seven, weren’t you?

**Artreemis:** bold of you to assume we ever stopped being her parents

**Artreemis:** But yeah. If it weren’t for the whole tree thing, he and I would probably still be together.

**Artreemis:** ...Kronos was able to get to him specifically because I was turned into a tree, wasn’t he.

**Moonlight:** Probably, he wasn’t even that pissed about his dad. It was kinda there, but you being a tree pushed him over the edge.

**Artreemis:** I’m not one for physical affection, but I want to hug him so bad.

**Moonlight:** Do it. When we see him again, hug the fuck out of him.

**Artreemis:** I’m going to do it.

**Artreemis:** Listen, I know I poke fun at you a lot, but you’re the best cousin ever, Nico.

**Artreemis:** Just don’t tell Percy I said that.

**Moonlight:** Aww, you’re the best too.

**Moonlight:** But I never said that, I’m a stone cold bitch.

**Artreemis:** I know you are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Luke deserved so much better than he got, holy shit" -Author Nico
> 
> "It's loving Luke Castellan hours" -Author Solace


	16. Welcome Home, Luke

**the snacc that smiles bacc**

**Sunshine Boy!:** Well, we found Luke.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Thalia’s not even trying to hide the fact she’s crying.

**Moonlight:** My father has already agreed to let him back to the overworld. We’re gonna let Thalia and Luke have their moment, then we’ll be back to camp in a few days.

**the literal fucking sun:** just shoot me a text when you get out, ill get you there in a few hours tops

**Sunshine Boy!:** Thanks, dad.

**the literal fucking sun:** :finger guns:

**Moonlight:** Okay, Thalia and Luke wanna get the fuck out of here, so heading up in five, Apollo.

**poseidon’s bitch >> –– **

**poseidon’s bitch:** Hey, dude, it’s good to have you back.

**––:** I’m not even back at camp yet.

**poseidon’s bitch:** Let me be sentimental.

**––:** Yeah, yeah. Missed you, Perce **.**

**poseidon’s bitch:** Missed you too, even if you did try to kill me for six years.

**––:** Yeah… Sorry ‘bout that.

**poseidon’s bitch:** All good. See you when you get back to camp?

**––:** For sure.

**the snacc that smiles bacc**

**––** _ has changed their display name to  _ **Thalia’s Bitch**

**Thalia’s Bitch:** I didn’t ask for this, Thals.

**Artreemis:** >:3

**Thalia’s Bitch** _ has changed their display name to  _ **Bitch Lasagna**

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** That’s both better and worse.

**Bitch Lasagna** _ has changed their display name to  _ **Tree Fucker**

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’m gonna fight you when you get back to camp.

**Tree Fucker** _ has changed their display name to  _ **Please Don’t Hurt Me**

**poseidon’s bitch:** jldgnfdkjhlhjfjkgnbfdkgjf im cr y i n g

**Please Don’t Hurt Me** _ has changed their display name to  _ **L.C.**

**L.C.:** Better?

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Much. Get back soon, I miss you.

**L.C.:** Will do.

**poseidon’s bitch >> Wise Bitch 2.0**

**poseidon’s bitch:** oh gods oh fuck luke is gonna destroy me

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’m 17, I can make my own decisions, he won’t hurt you.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** If Thalia hasn’t killed you, he won’t. You have nothing to worry about.

**poseidon’s bitch:** lkdghkjdfgn im still terrified

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** He just came back from the dead, he has more important things to worry about, Seaweed Brain.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** He’s going to have to talk to Chiron for starters, and then there’s probably more personal things him and Thalia still need to talk about. Our engagement is nothing in the face of all that.

**poseidon’s bitch:** u right,,

**poseidon’s bitch:** oh fuck i hear the car lets go see everyone

**the snacc that smiles bacc**

**L.C.:** Chiron let me be head counselor of the Hermes cabin again.

**messenger pigeon:** uwu this is why im around

**L.C.:** He insisted that Chiron let me or there were going to be some “problems” with his mail.

**L.C.:** It was startling.

**poseidon’s bitch:** welcome back to camp counselor life, bud, we missed you

**L.C.:** Yeah, yeah. Mind showing me the ropes again, Perce?

**poseidon’s bitch:** no prob bitch

**Sunshine Boy!:** And that’s how you know you’ve been fully re-added to camp life.

**Dead inside:** Good evening, I just woke up from a nap and I’m still tired. #apollokidproblems

**Artreemis:** hey babe

**Dead inside:** Hey, Thals.

**Artreemis:** i missed you

**Dead inside:** You were only gone for a couple of days.

**Dead inside:** But I missed you too.

**Artreemis:** :D <3

**Dead inside:** Oh, where are my manners? Hello, Luke, I’ve heard a lot about you.

**L.C.:** Same about you. Adriana, right?

**Dead inside:** The one and only.

**L.C.:** It’s great to finally meet you.

**Dead inside:** You as well.

**poseidon’s bitch:** so gang

**poseidon’s bitch:** movie night? we’ve got luke back and it seems like a good time to relax

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** @ movie night, yes.

**Thalia Why:** Am I free to ask more about you, Luke? Hazel, Frank and I have only heard stories over here at Camp Jupiter.

**L.C.:** Camp Jupiter?

**poseidon’s bitch:** oh yeah thats a fun story

**poseidon’s bitch:** meet thalia’s little brother btw

**Thalia Why:** Yo.

**Thalia Why:** Camp Jupiter is the Roman counterpart to Camp Half-Blood. Our parents are the same as yours, but we call them by their Roman names, and we’re in California.

**L.C.:** Isn’t California insanely dangerous?

**Thalia Why:** Outside of our camp’s walls, yes. But it’s easier for demigods on the west coast to come here.

**L.C.:** Right… Sorry, but what’s your name?

**Thalia Why:** Oh, sorry, I’m Jason.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** He’s the main reason we all found out Percy’s bisexual. Not that it matters, since he’s engaged. :shrug:

**L.C.:** He’s  _ what _ ?

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** He’s bisexual.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Also, he’s engaged to me.

**L.C.:** … Not what I was expecting today, but I’m happy for you two.

**Moonlight:** yeah everyone kinda just

**Moonlight:** *lowers glasses*

**Moonlight:** also thanks for calling me an emo kid

**L.C.:** I was an asshole back then, sorry.

**Dead inside:** Do you just want the rundown on the current relationships?

**L.C.:** Yes, please.

**Dead inside:** Well, obviously Percy and Annabeth are engaged, Will and Nico are dating, Frank and Hazel are dating, and Leo, Kayla and Piper are all together.

**Dead inside:** Oh, and Apollo and Poseidon are getting married.

**Artreemis:** you forgot about us D:

**Dead inside:** I have dumb bitch disease.

**Dead inside:** Yeah, Thalia and I are also together.

**L.C.:** That’s great, I’m happy for all of you.

**the literal fucking sun:** guys poseidon’s salty at demeter

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Why?

**the literal fucking sun:** he waved at her and she didn’t wave back

**Goddess of Love:** Poseidon, she’s busy, get over it.

**Water Thot:** >:O

**poseidon’s bitch:** i just realized apollo kids and poseidon kids can no longer date

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Because that’s  _ definitely  _ going to be a problem.

**poseidon’s bitch:** im just saying >:(

**Moonlight:** definitely not like there’s only one poseidon kid left at chb

**Sunshine Boy!:** definitely not like the last poseidon kid at chb is engaged to an athena kid -kaykay

**poseidon’s bitch:** you guys are mean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "the snack that smiles back, well, we found luke  
> the snack that smiles back we found luke  
> the snack that smiles back found luke  
> the snack that smiles back luke" -both authors collectively
> 
> "bitch lasagna- Luke's Home I'm Happy Bye" -Author Nico
> 
> "nothing much happened in this chapter but gods did i love it" -Author Solace


	17. grover is cryptic

**the snacc that smiles bacc**

**Sunshine Boy!:** So, Kayla just cursed the whole Athena cabin to speak in rhyming couplets.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Annabeth is not happy.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I’m speaking through text so I don’t suffer. Pipes, be glad you weren’t an Athena kid.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Oh, I am.

**Artreemis:** damn what’d they do???

**poseidon’s bitch:** i feel bad for annabeth but its funny

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I want to strangle Kayla.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** please dont strangle our girlfriend

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Tell her not to curse my cabin, then!

**Sunshine Boy!:** i cant curse my own cabin, my dad wont let me, you guys were the next best choice -kaykay

**Sunshine Boy!:** ill curse the hephaestus cabin if pipes lets me bc itd be funny to see leo speak in rhymes -kaykay

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Go to Camp Jupiter and curse the Jupiter cabin, Jason speaking in rhymes would be hilarious.

**Thalia Why:** No.

**Sunshine Boy!:** Kayla’s eyes lit up, you’re screwed.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Jaaaason, I love you.

**Thalia Why:** Do you really?

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** No.

**Artreemis:** cant believe piper is fucking iconic

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** We knew that already.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Also, Drew just tried to put a pink dress on me, and it was almost as bad as the dress I was wearing when my mom claimed me.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:**  Aww, but you’re so pretty in dresses.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** dkjgbkjg

**Sunshine Boy!:** Motherfucker--

**the literal fucking sun:** you rang?

**Apollo Leave:** Is this really the form of humour you’re stooping to now?

**No u:** dad jokes are my calling

**Apollo Leave:** Shutting up is your calling.

**No u:** name

**poseidon’s bitch:** that’s me and estelle except more child-like

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Has she said you can take off that bandage yet?

**poseidon’s bitch:** no

**Sunshine Boy!:** I’ve always wondered what having a full-blooded sibling would be like.

**Moonlight:** hey, apollo

**the literal fucking sun:** >:3

**Moonlight:** fuck will’s mom again

**Sally Jackson:** …

**Sally Jackson:** This is why I don’t look at my phone.

**poseidon’s bitch:** shit hi mom

**poseidon’s bitch:** i mean

**poseidon’s bitch:** shoot hi mom

**the literal fucking sun:** hello ms. jackson

**the literal fucking sun:** @will: get ready for a baby sister

**Sunshine Boy!:** …

**Sunshine Boy!** _ has added  _ **Naomi!** _ to the conversation. _

**Sunshine Boy!:** Mom, I am so sorry if dad visits you later.

**Naomi!:** … I won’t ask, but I’ll let you know if he visits. Be safe at camp!

**Sunshine Boy!:** :ok_hand:

**Naomi!** _ has left the conversation. _

**Moonlight:** your mom is terrifying

**Sunshine Boy!:** I know.

**the literal fucking sun:** heading to pennsylvania now

**the literal fucking sun:** will do you want anything besides a sibling

**Sunshine Boy!:** … Yeah, there’s some really good food at that one restaurant you used to bring my mom to. Anything from there sounds like heaven right now.

**the literal fucking sun:** aight, see you in a bit   
  
**Dead inside:** So… I’m getting a half-sister, then.

**Sunshine Boy!:** I say one thing and our dad goes off to do that.

**Dead inside:** He’s a disaster.

**Moonlight:** oh me too

**Moonlight >> Sunshine Boy!**

**Moonlight:** so you ever just remember adriana is technically bianca

**Sunshine Boy!:** All the time, you okay?

**Moonlight:** yeah idk im just

**Moonlight:** not over everything

**Moonlight:** its probably dumb for me to keep thinking about it but hh

**Sunshine Boy!:** Maybe her memories aren’t lost forever.

**Moonlight:** yeah,, i mean as long as we can convince mnemosyne to give her memories back its fine

**Moonlight:** idk it’s just really fucking with me because she was back and now she’s gone again

**Sunshine Boy!:** Just have faith. Everything will turn out okay.

**Moonlight:** yeah,, thanks, tesoro

**Sunshine Boy!:** Of course, Moonlight. <3

**the snacc that smiles bacc**

**L.C.:** So, Thalia just scared the living daylights out of me.

**L.C.:** I was walking out of my cabin, and all I hear is, “Hey, Tree Fucker,” and I’ve never hated Thalia until this moment.

**Artreemis:** ;p

**L.C.:** You’re a disaster, Thals.

**Dead inside:** She is.

**Artreemis:** funny, coming from the two people who actually like me

**L.C.:** … You got me there.

**Dead inside:** Damn it.

**poseidon’s bitch:** why not just kill them next time

**Artreemis:** thats no fun

**Dead inside:** So moving on from Thalia ripping out Luke and I’s throats, am I the only person here who’s watched Descendants?

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** i fucking love descendants

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Oh hey, Jason left his phone out. >:D

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** lets make him suffer

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I’ve got a perfect idea for his new Discord name.

**Thalia Why** _ has changed their display name to  _ **bricc.**

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** lhdsfbhjkdl;gkfsjhlkfd;h

**poseidon’s bitch:** that’s so accurate im cryign

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** It’s so scary that you know his Discord password.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I also know Percy’s.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** she steals hearts, bmws, and passwords

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** what a dream girl

**Sunshine Boy!:** leo bet ill propose before you do -kaykay   
  
**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** >:0 you wish

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Or I’ll propose first. :tea:

**Sunshine Boy!:** wait can she legally do that -kaykay

**Sunshine Boy!:** leo we didnt talk about this -kaykay

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I legally can and will. <3

**Moonlight:** can i legally propose to will first

**Sunshine Boy!:** No.

**poseidon’s bitch:** y’all out here talking about proposing and annabeth and me are already getting married :tea:

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Then we also remember Grover and Juniper are probably getting married soon.

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** oh ive been so busy with my lord of the wild duties i forgot to tell you guys

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** the weddings tomorrow

**Grover (´ ∀ ` *):** ok i have to go, bye! Be safe!

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** WHA

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Grover! Ten years of friendship, and this is how I’m treated?

**poseidon’s bitch:** im hurt im offended i dedicate my entire life to our lord and saviour poseidon and this is the thanks i get?!

**Artreemis:** this is slander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Author Solace please stop being cryptic what's happening" -Author Nico
> 
> “Will do you want anything besides a sibin” -Author Solace
> 
> "i have a crush and i'm being cryptic about it and Author Nico hates it" -Author Solace


	18. Obligatory Christmas Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy fuck a Christmas chapter actually on Crimmis

**the snacc that smiles bacc**

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen** _has changed the conversation name to_ **Christmas Time!**

**poseidon’s bitch:** but the snacc that smiles back

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** It’s for one day.

**poseidon’s bitch:** anyway theres mistletoe all over camp

**poseidon’s bitch:** i am terrified

**Drakon Slayer:** I’m pissed about it.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** She says, having gotten caught under the mistletoe with me.

**Drakon Slayer:** That was supposed to stay between us, McLean.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** :shrug: I’ve also kissed Thalia and Annabeth because of it today.

**L.C.:** Piper: Stealing all of our significant others.

**Artreemis:** i kissed orianne today bc of mistletoe and she looked so confused

**Artreemis:** i just kinda

**Artreemis:** arent you literally from paris

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** That’s such a mood.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Also, today’s goal: kiss everyone who isn’t a god in this chat.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Wait, not Nico or Will either. I respect sexualities.

**Sunshine Boy!:** So… everyone except me, my boyfriend, and Alastor.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Mhmm, as long as everyone’s chill with it.

**poseidon’s bitch:** bet

**(ง •̀_•́):** Aphrodite, get me out of this hell.

**Goddess of Love:** Nah.

**Goddess of Love:** Also, Piper, you do that.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Will do!

**Moonlight:** also guys, hazel, jason and frank haven’t responded to the chat at all since last night, hazel’s also not been reading my texts?? i am Worried

**Moonlight:** same with reyna

**Artreemis:** if jason is off doing something stupid im gonna actually kill him

**bricc** _ has added  _ **Hazelnut, Water Legacy,** _ and  _ **Reyna R.A.** _ to the conversation. _

**bricc:** Merry Christmas, we’re here.

**Hazelnut:** We’re your Christmas gifts!

**poseidon’s bitch:** my bro is here everyone else go home except annabeth

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Does Jason have a receipt?

**Artreemis:** ^^ i want a refund

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** pipes says, eyeballing jason from across camp

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** u aint slick babe

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Percy just got mistletoe, held it over Piper and Jason’s heads, and quietly whispered, “kiss already.”

**Reyna R.A.:** You’re all disasters.

**Water Legacy:** D: It’s Christmas, Reyna, be nice.

**Moonlight:** well, merry christmas, im hanging out with my sister all day

**Moonlight:** y’all have fun

**Hazelnut:** Hades and Pluto kids don’t do social interaction, see you all later tonight!

**Drakon Slayer:** I’m going to be practicing.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** D: Guys, c’mon, it’s Christmas!

**Drakon Slayer:** And on Christmas, you can spar. Goodbye.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** ... Guess it’s just the rest of us. Wanna reconvene in the Aphrodite cabin? I’ve got cookies and stuff.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** you had me at cookies

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen >> bricc**

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Hey, I know I said it earlier, but Merry Christmas, Superman.

**bricc:** Merry Christmas, Pipes.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Do you wanna sneak off and do our gifts? I want it to be special, I guess.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** That sounds so cheesy, we aren’t even dating anymore.

**bricc:** Actually, I was thinking the same thing. Wanna do it now while everyone’s distracted?

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Yeah, for sure. Zeus cabin?

**bricc:** Sounds good.

**Christmas Time!**

**poseidon’s bitch:** who wants to risk getting our faces eaten by monsters to declare a snowball war on each other

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** im so down

**Moonlight:** ill kick your asses, but sure

**Artreemis:** if i get to throw a snowball at jason then yeah

**Sunshine Boy!:** guys speaking of jason, where are he and piper??? -kaykay

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** they’re out in the snow

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** wanna ambush them???

**Sunshine Boy!:** yes of course -kaykay

**Moonlight:** kay, it’s like you don’t have your own phone.

**Sunshine Boy!:** listen i made a grand exit that is my fucking legacy -kaykay

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** piper is going to murder me but yknow

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** yolo lets go ambush them

**Sunshine Boy!:** getting murdered by your girlfriend is all part of the christmas spirit! -kaykay

**Hazelnut >> Moonlight**

**Hazelnut:** Your friends concern me.

**Moonlight:** oh me too

**Moonlight:** they’re really great people, especially will and jason. percy too.

**Hazelnut:** I’m glad you’ve got them.

**Moonlight:** yeah

**Moonlight:** ok enough of me being gay, should we help them ambush piper and jason

**Hazelnut:** I’ll hit you with a snowball as well, so let’s go.

**Christmas Time!**

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** we were havinG A MOMENT-

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Well, too bad, your moment’s over, and the Athena cabin kicked everyone’s ass in that snowball fight.

**bricc:** Thalia, does a Christmas truce not exist to you?

**Artreemis:** no

**bricc:** Of course.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** You’re all awful. Except for Frank and Reyna, we adore you here, you’re doing amazing.

**Reyna R.A.:** Well, someone has to babysit you all.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** >:O

**Hazelnut:** What did you and Jason get each other anyways, Piper?

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Necklaces. It was the last things we got each other before we broke up. :shrug:

**bricc:** It might get in the way when I’m fighting, though.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** You don’t have to wear it.

**bricc:** No, shush, I’m going to wear it forever, back off.

**poseidon’s bitch:** just date again already

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I will push you under the mistletoe with Jason.

**poseidon’s bitch:** bold of you to assume i would object to that

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Why does Pipes just… Have mistletoe in her back pocket?

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** aphrodite kid christmas rations

**Sally Jackson:** Hello, everyone! Chiron sent me a message this morning that I could come and see everyone for Christmas, I’m making my way up there now.

**poseidon’s bitch:** :DD!!

**Sally Jackson:** Paul and Estelle will be with me as well.

**poseidon’s bitch:** :DDDD!!!!

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I have never seen Percy so happy. This is adorable.

**Water Thot:** Well, once Sally gets there, I, as well as the other gods, will be heading down to see you all.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Mom, if you give me another invisibility cap, I’m suing.

**Wise Bitch:** I won’t, I won’t.

**Wise Bitch:** Also, Nico, Hazel, your father has requested your presence in the Underworld.

**Moonlight:** oh fuck okay, we’ll be back in a few

**Moonlight >> Sunshine Boy!**

**Moonlight:** my dad gave hazel a bunch of art supplies and he gave me a skeleton cat as well as an electric guitar?? i’m like. actually crying this is illegal

**Sunshine Boy!:** I maaaybe told him you were learning guitar over Iris message the other day.

**Moonlight:** lkdjsbgjkfadlhm; william solace i love you??

**Sunshine Boy!:** I love you too,  Niccoló di Angelo.

**Moonlight:** never use my full name again sbgjh

**Sunshine Boy!:** No promises. See you in a bit when you’re back.

**Moonlight:** yep

**Christmas Time!**

**Hephaestus:** So, Leo. I got you a new dragon.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** everyone else go home my dad is the best

**Lightning Thot:** Thalia, Jason, that palace Thalia was talking about is done.

**bricc:** Wait, what?

**Artreemis:** We got a palace for Christmas, everyone else go the fuck home.

**Water Thot:** Percy, I got you a dolphin.

**poseidon’s bitch:** !!!! go home bitches i love my dad

**Water Thot:** As for you, Sally, I know you won’t let me give you an underwater palace, so I made you a necklace out of the gemstones you’ve always loved.

**poseidon’s bitch:** my mom be like: crying

**Wise Bitch:** Annabeth, I know you’ve been wanting an area outside of the cabin to work on projects, so… I hope your own workspace in Olympus is sufficient.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I haven’t cried since Percy got back from his quest, yet there are currently tears in my eyes. Thank you, mom.

**Goddess of Love:** So, Piper.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I half expect you to have gotten me aphrodisiacs or something.

**Goddess of Love:** Not until you’re eighteen, Piper. I did get you the clothing you’ve been asking for.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** I have never been so happy?? Thank you so much, mom.

**Artemis:** Thalia, I got you a gift as well. It’s a newer bow, which my brother has offered to help you practice. We also had Hephaestus help us make celestial bronze arrows.

**bricc:** She just started crying. She said thank you.

**(ง •̀_•́):** Clarisse, I got you another spear. I know it’s shit, I’ll get you something better when I’m let back into Olympus.

**Drakon Slayer:** Thank you, Dad.

**the literal fucking sun:** hey kids

**the literal fucking sun:** so, kayla, i got you a lyre, not mine of course, but A Lyre

**the literal fucking sun:** adri, i got you the books you had been wanting to read

**the literal fucking sun:** austin isnt in this chat so

**the literal fucking sun:** will, guess what i got you

**Sunshine Boy!:** What, dad?

**the literal fucking sun:** your mom pregnant. goodnight everyone!

**Moonlight:** your dad is fucking cryptic

**Sunshine Boy!:** *sigh* I can’t say I’m surprised. Merry Christmas everybody.

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Anyways, I got Percy and Jason to  _ finally  _ kiss, thanks for the help, Beth.

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** For sure.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** we’re all just gonna be poly one day i swear to fucking hephaestus 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "*loud screaming* I love Lester Papadouhowthefuckdoyouspellit" -Author Nico (with Author Solace crying because she's the one who has to write this)
> 
> "happy holidays, i literally don't know what else to say" -Author Solace


	19. It's Been Three Months Since We Updated

**Christmas Time!**

**poseidon’s bitch** _ has changed the conversation name to  _ **demigods: but almost april fools**

**poseidon’s bitch:** do you ever want to tell a god to fuck off but you can’t

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** I related until ‘you can’t’ because I can, will and have told Hera to fuck off.

**the literal fucking sun:** i too have told hera to fuck off. i almost got thrown off olympus

**Apollo Leave:** Again.

**the literal fucking sun:** hey!

**Moonlight:** why haven’t we used this for like four months

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** Authors forgot about us.

**Moonlight:** what?

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** What?

**poseidon’s bitch:** piper that’s scary

**the literal fucking sun:** shes right

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** _ what do you mean the authors forgot about us????????? _

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** :shrug:

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** _ piper please i am a scared bisexual _

**Piper Fuckin’ McQueen:** So, basically, I’m a scared bisexual as well.

**Leo Fuckin’ Valdez:** _ Piper McLean Please Babe I’m Scared By Your Comment _

**poseidon’s bitch** _has added_ **Rachel Babye** _to the conversation._

**poseidon’s bitch:** rachel please help

**Rachel Babye:** :shrug: Can’t.

**poseidon’s bitch:** _ what do you mean you can’t _

**Rachel Babye:** Fucks with the space time continuum or something.

**the literal fucking sun:** and then this is where the authors would insert themselves but they’re fucking lazy.

**Moonlight:** im literally  _ shaking  _ what the fuck

**princess of aengels:** am i allowed to do this now

**stupid fucking kinnie:** yeah

**poseidon’s bitch:** who the fuck are you

**stupid fucking kinnie:** ~you’ll never know~

**princess of aengels:** *fortnite dances*

**bricc:** What the  _ hell  _ is a Fortnite?

**stupid fucking kinnie:** this is so sad, apollo play despacito

**princess of aengels:** uhhh

**princess of aengels:** all u need to know is im an apollo kid and stupid fucking kinnie is someone’s kid

**stupid fucking kinnie:** we don’t know which one but :shrug:

**stupid fucking kinnie:** anyways yeah that’s all, see ya!

**princess of aengels:** this chatroom empty

**princess of aengels:** YEET (to see the love of my fictional life)

**Wise Bitch 2.0:** Mom, come pick me up, I’m scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Legends say that somewhere, she's still Fortnite dancing and making Leiftan lovemail" -Author Solace
> 
> "Legends say that somewhere, he's still playing Kingdom Hearts GET HIM OUT OF HIS (it was at this point his mic cut out and Author Solace didn't hear the rest of what he said)" -Author Nico

**Author's Note:**

> Quote Wall:
> 
> “We don’t need to add the gods they add themselves.” -Author Nico
> 
> \-----
> 
> Hot chocolate is love, hot chocolate is life. -Author Solace


End file.
